Family problems

WHEN YOU'RE NOT GETTING ON WITH YOUR FAMILY

Every family is different. And no matter who's in your family, things can be tough sometimes.

You might worry about:

arguments, being shouted at, or having different opinions or beliefs
divorce and separation
money problems or having to move
alcohol problems
being hurt or abused.

Whatever’s happening at home, we’re here to help you through it.

6 things to remember about families

Every family is different.
It's normal to not get on with your family sometimes.
Family changes can be stressful but there are ways to cope.
It can help to talk about how you're feeling.
Things like bullying or money problems can make it harder to get on with your family.
If you're ever worried or feel unsafe, you can talk to a Childline counsellor.

family arguments

If you're arguing all the time or struggling to cope it can be hard to know what to do. You can't control what your family does but there are ways to get support.

Arguing with parents or carers

When people are angry at each other it can help to take time to calm down.

Sometimes someone might be angry at you for something you can't control. It can help to remind yourself this isn't your fault.

There's a big difference between getting angry and being aggressive. If someone is threatening or hurting you then that's abuse and it's always wrong.

There things you can to try if you're arguing with your parents or carers.

Wait until things have calmed down. If someone's angry, it can make it hard to talk about what's happened. It can help to wait before you say how you feel.
Say sorry. If you've done something wrong, it can show that you understand why someone is angry at you.
Speak to someone else like a friend or an adult you trust for support. They can help you to feel better.
Stay calm. You can't control if someone else gets angry but staying calm can stop things turning into an argument. See our advice on controlling your anger.
Be assertive. This is when you say what you need or think without being aggressive. Find out more about how to be assertive.
Get support if you feel unsafe or you don't know what to do. You can speak to a Childline counsellor any time or phone 999 in an emergency.

If someone is aggressive when they've been drinking, then trying to talk to them can be dangerous. Find out more about coping with parents who drink.

Abuse and being hurt

Sometimes it can be hard to know when something is abuse and when it's only an argument. But if you're ever worried, it's important to get support. Being abused or hurt is never okay.

If you're not sure, it can help to find out about different types of abuse.

Physical abuse
This is when someone does anything to physically injure you on purpose.
Emotional abuse
When someone is always putting you down, shouting at you, ignoring you or making you feel bad about yourself.
Sexual abuse
If someone forces, pressures or tricks you into doing something sexual.
Neglect
This is when you don't get what you need to survive and feel safe at home, including things like food or having someone take care of you.
Domestic abuse
When someone abuses someone in a relationship. It can affect you if it's your relationship or between people in your family.

Nobody should have to deal with abuse alone.

If you're ever worried about what's happening, you can talk to a Childline counsellor. They can help you think about what's happening at home and how to get support.

Find out more about Childline's confidentiality promise.

In an emergency, you should always call 999.

Fighting with siblings

There are lots of reasons brothers and sisters can fight. You might want the same thing or be competing with each other.

No matter what the reason is, arguing can have a big effect on you. But there are things you can do to get along.

Do something you both enjoy
Whether it's playing a game, solving a puzzle or watching TV together, doing something you both enjoy can make it easier to get along.
Take a break
Even if it means feeling like you're losing an argument, taking a break can help you calm down and stop an argument getting worse.
Talk to someone else
Talking to an adult you trust or someone else in your family about what's happening can help you to see things differently.
Don't compare yourself
You and your siblings will always be different. Focusing on what you're good at can help you feel less jealous.
Be considerate
Think about whether what you're doing might cause another argument.
Remember that it's not okay to be hurt by someone
Lots of siblings will fight or hit each other sometimes but it's not okay to hurt your sibling or be hurt.

If you're arguing with your sibling and you don't know what to do, you can always talk to a Childline counsellor.

Arguing between parents or carers

It can be scary hearing people arguing. Especially if you're worried they will get hurt or your parents are getting divorced.

Hearing your parents arguing doesn't mean that they'll separate or get divorced. But if you're worried about what's happening, it can help to:

talk to someone you trust about what's happening
stay out of any arguments, especially if you're worried that it won't be safe
talk to young people going through the same thing on the message boards
distract yourself by listening to music or using the Art box.

If it's an emergency or someone is being hurt, call 999.

Can I change other people?

It's natural to want to change how someone behaves. You might be worried about them using drugs or alcohol and want them to stop. Or want them to stop being aggressive or nasty.

You can't change someone else's behaviour by yourself. Changing has to be their decision and people often need support to change completely.

If you want to help someone to change, the best thing to do is to get support. You could talk to:

Talking to someone doesn't mean you're betraying the person you're worried about or trying to get them in trouble. But it can mean that you can get yourself and them the best support for the future.

Post on our message boards

Get advice and support from other young people.

changes in your family

Illustration of a cat

There's no right or wrong way to feel when there are changes in your family. Some people might be relieved but it's also natural to be nervous, upset or angry.

If you're feeling ashamed or embarrassed by what's happening it can be hard to ask for help. But you don't have to cope alone.

No matter what's happening, there are things you can do.

Talk about it

Talking about your worries can help you to feel better and find new ways to cope. You could talk to your family, someone you trust or to Childline.

Even if you don't talk, you can let your feelings out. Try writing or drawing about what's happening or talk about it in the mood journal.

Find ways to get on

Try doing something you’ll all enjoy, spending time together without arguing can help you get used to each other.

Keep in touch with people you miss

Talking to people you miss can help you to feel connected. If you're not able to talk to someone or they've died, it can sometimes help to write what you'd like to say to them in a diary or letter you can keep.

Say what you want to happen

What you want is important. Sometimes telling people what you want won't change things but it can help you to talk about what might make it easier.

Do things to help you feel positive

Try spending time with your friends, listening to music or doing something you enjoy to help you feel better. Find ideas on taking care of yourself.

Give it time

Changes can be stressful, especially at first. But how you feel can change over time.

There are lots of ways your family could change and we have advice to help:

Watch: Coping with stress: breathing tips

family illness

Looking after someone

When someone gets ill it can sometimes mean you have to help more at home.

You might need to do some small things or you might have to take on a lot. Looking after someone at home is called being a young carer.

It can be scary becoming a young carer and some young people feel scared to ask for support. But asking for help can also mean you and your family will be looked after.

Taking care of yourself

Whether someone has just gotten ill or they've been ill for a long time, it's important to take care of yourself. Especially when you're finding things difficult. It can help to:

ask questions about what's happening, about the condition and what might happen next
think about things you can still do together, especially if it's harder to spend time with the person like you used to
take time for yourself to relax or spend time with friends or other people in your family
talk about how you're feeling and ask for support if you need it.

If someone in your family dies

If someone that you're close to dies, you might not know how to feel. You might have known that they'll die for a long time or it might've happened quickly.

No matter what's happened, you're not alone.

It's important to remember there's no right or wrong way to feel after someone dies and that it's always okay to talk about it.

Having a family member with dementia

Having dementia is when you have a disease or illness that affects your brain over time. Someone with dementia might have problems remembering things, get confused a lot or have trouble speaking. Sometimes someone's behaviour can change.

Dementia gets worse over time but what happens can be different for everyone. Sadly there's no way to stop dementia.

Living with dementia is tough and it can have a big effect on you. You might feel:

like you're losing the person you care about
confused or scared about what's happening
frustrated they can do things some days but not others
isolated or alone.

It can take time to learn to cope. But it's important to do things to take care of yourself and to talk about how you feel.

I want to leave home

Moving out can be a big step, especially if it's because of problems at home. But leaving home isn't always simple.

If you're under 16, you can't choose to leave home. But you still have a right to be safe and cared for.

If you're thrown out, told to leave or you feel like you can't stay at home then you can talk to a Childline counsellor for help.