Divorce and separation

Will my parents or carers split up?

Everyone in a relationship argues or disagrees sometimes. It’s natural to feel worried or scared about what’s happening. There are lots of reasons parents or carers might argue or disagree.

Having an argument doesn’t necessarily mean that people will split up or divorce, and we’ve got lots of advice to help you cope with family problems.

When you’re worried about whether your parents or carers are going to separate, then it’s important to talk about it. If you feel safe or able to then it’s always okay to ask your parents or carers what’s happening. They can help to explain what’s going on or give you some reassurance. Even if you can’t talk to them, you can always speak to us.

Five things to remember:

A divorce or separation is never your fault
It can take time to adjust to things changing
There are lots of reasons why people divorce or separate
Your needs and feelings are important
If you're worried, we're here to talk

just
can't
get along

Get advice on dealing with family problems

What’s the difference between separation and divorce?

Divorce and separation are slightly different and can mean different things. You might wonder what the difference is between the two:

What is separation?

A separation is when two people decide to end their relationship. This might be for a short time, but it can also be forever. Sometimes people may choose to separate while they think about the future.

People will often live apart after they’ve ended their relationship. Separating doesn’t have to involve any legal agreements but sometimes people will have a legal separation. A legal separation is where people aren’t getting a divorce, but they’ll agree how to split things like money, and where you or other children stay.

If two people aren’t married, then they won’t need to get divorced to separate completely. When people are married, they might sometimes decide to separate before they get a divorce.

Getting divorced

A divorce is when two people decide to end their marriage or civil partnership. It means that they’ll be able to marry someone else in the future if they want to.

Getting a divorce is a legal process, and it will usually include agreements about things like who will be staying where and what’s happening with money. Sometimes people might choose to separate before getting a divorce.

Coping with divorce

There’s no right or wrong way to feel if your parents or carers getting divorced. What’s happening isn’t your fault. No matter how you’re feeling, there are ways to cope.

Understanding what’s happening

It's okay to ask questions about what's going to happen or things you're not sure about. If you're worried about asking too many questions, sometimes it can help to write them down and give them to your parent or carer.

You can talk about what’s happening outside of your family as well. If you’re not sure about something or you want some help, you could try talking to an adult you trust or speaking to a Childline counsellor.

Want more advice about divorce and separation? These sites can help:

CAFCASS help young people whose parents are going through family courts
LawStuff help you learn your rights if you're parents get divorced

Finding ways to cope

Going through changes or arguments can feel stressful and upsetting sometimes. You might:

be angry or upset at your parents
miss how things used to be
have had to change schools or move
be told you have to give up things you own or a pet
not get to see people you care about as much.

You don’t need to cope alone. There are lots of things you can do:

Talk about it

Share how you’re feeling with someone you care about. This could be with a friend, an adult you trust, or anyone you feel comfortable with. You could also post anonymously about it on our message boards.

Let your feelings out

There are loads of ways to express yourself, and it can take time to find what’s right for you. You could try writing a journal, doing something active, or trying a creative way to express yourself.

If you’re not sure where to start, get some ideas in our Coping Kit. You can also use our Calm Zone to help when things are feeling overwhelming.

Do things you enjoy

Make time each day to do something you enjoy, even if it’s something small. It can help to spend time with friends when you can, or to message people to keep in contact.

Give it time

It might feel like things will never get better, especially when you’ve just found out. How you’re feeling can change over time though, and we’re here to support you.

Dealing with changes

Lots of things may change during a divorce or separation. It can be hard to know how to cope with it all, so it’s important to take things slowly.

There are a few things you can do to help make it easier to manage:

Ask questions
If you’re not sure what’s happening or why, it can help to ask. If you’ve got lots of questions, it might help to write them all down so you don’t forget.
Keep a healthy routine
Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and exercise, and that you’re eating healthily. Try to keep a similar to routine to what you’ve had before to help things feel familiar.
Make time for yourself
Spend time doing the things you enjoy, or arrange to spend time with people you care about.
Try to be patient
It can take time for things to settle and for them to start feeling okay. Remember, if you’re struggling, you can always speak to us.

Get more advice on dealing with change.

What if I don't want to see one of my parents?

There might be lots of reasons you don't want to see one of your parents or carers. You might be angry at them about the divorce, worried about hurting your other parent or scared that they'll hurt you.

Whether your parent or carer is still allowed to see you is different for everyone and can depend on what's happening.

Talking to an adult you trust who's not involved like a teacher or someone at school can help you to get support. If you're not sure who to talk to, you can always speak to us.

If your siblings still want to see them

Even if you don't want to see your parent or carer, your siblings might. You might feel angry or betrayed by them, but it's important to remember that it's their decision.

Even if your sibling lives with a parent you don't want to see, you can still have a relationship with them. Try:

talking to your parent about ways to see each other by yourselves or with someone you both get on with
agreeing to respect each other's decision even though you don't agree
think about activities you can do together that you'll both enjoy.

Getting through a tough time

If you’re struggling with something that’s happened, we’ve got some advice to help.

Is it my fault?

No. Your parents separating or getting a divorce is never your fault.

Lots of young people ask themselves what they could have done differently, or whether they could have done something to stop it.

There's no single reason that people break up. They might have grown apart or changed over time, or something might have happened that's changed how they feel about each other.

But even if how they feel about each other has changed, how they feel about you shouldn't.

Feeling guilty because you blame yourself for what's happened can make it hard to talk, but it can really help. If you're scared, try writing how you feel in a letter or practising with a Childline counsellor.

Building confidence and self-esteem

Try boosting your confidence with our top tips.

Separating after abuse

Domestic abuse is when someone threatens, bullies, or hurts someone in their family or their relationship. Sometimes, this abuse can continue even after a relationship has ended.

Whether you still see both your parents or carers can depend on lots of things, including whether it’s safe to and if there’s a court order about it. What you want should always be listened to when thinking about the future.

You deserve to feel safe wherever you’re staying. It’s not okay for either parent or carer to:

put you in the middle or make you pick sides
make you feel uncomfortable by asking for information on your other parent or carer
get aggressive or start arguments when you’re being dropped off or picked up
hurt you or anyone else

If you’re worried about what’s happening or you’re not sure what to do, you can always speak to an adult you trust or contact us.

Domestic abuse

Get support and advice if you're worried about abuse in your family or your relationship.

Making a safety plan

If you’re feeling unsafe at home or in a relationship, a safety plan can help you know what to do in the future.