Jealousy

why people feel jealous

Jealousy is sometimes called the ‘green-eyed monster’. Because it can feel like you have a monster inside you that you can’t control. Jealousy can come from feelings of low self-esteem or lack of confidence. And when someone is unhappy about themselves, feels anxious and insecure, this can lead to feelings of jealousy and being out of control.

The difference between jealousy and envy

Jealousy is slightly different from envy. You can envy someone for something they have. If they have more money or nice things, do better at school, or you think they’re more attractive than you are. You may feel jealous of your brother or sister because you think your parents love him or her more than you.

Envy is wanting something you don’t have.

Jealousy is about wanting to keep or make sure you have something that's already yours.

3 tips to help you stop feeling jealous:

Ask yourself why
When you understand your feelings, it’s often easier to change your actions and get support
Work to build up your trust
If you can’t trust someone, it might not be a healthy friendship or relationship
Set yourself a goal
What can you do to make you feel good about yourself?

How to tell if someone is jealous

Jealousy can show itself in different ways. A jealous person might:

ask you lots of questions about who you've spent time with or been speaking to
want to know why you were spending time with others or why you didn’t invite them along
withdraw and ignore you
try to put you down and tell others not to spend time with you
stop speaking to you for no reason.

Being assertive

Being assertive can help you to explain how you feel and what you need, without being rude.

how jealousy can affect friends and relationships

Friendships and relationships should be based on trust and respect. When you allow jealous feelings to take over and start to doubt your friends or boyfriend or girlfriend, then this can damage trust and respect.

Jealousy isn’t about love and caring about someone, it’s about feeling insecure and scared about the future. When you do this, you let your fears take over.

If you feel like this, it can be good to talk about how you're feeling and what's happening for you.

It can be hard if someone seems to be angry or unhappy with you and you don’t know why. If you’re worried that one of your friends or your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous, you could try talking to them about how they feel. They might need reassurance from you and might want the chance to open up about how they feel.

Some people might not want to talk about the way they feel. Or they may get angry or abusive. It’s important to feel safe in any relationship so if you’re worried or unsure about anything, you can always talk to Childline.

If your friend is jealous

If your friend tries to control what you do or who you spend time with, it can make you feel very angry and resentful. It can feel crowded and like you’re under pressure. It might be hard to understand why they feel like they do.

You could try talking to your friend about how they’re behaving. Let them know that you like them for who they are and like spending time with them, but that you have other friends too. You could find ways of doing different things together or sharing hobbies.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend is jealous

Trust is important for every relationship, and jealousy can come in the way of this. It can help to think about why your boyfriend or girlfriend might be feeling jealous, and whether this jealousy is becoming abusive.

They might have been cheated on in the past, or they could be having a tough time and feeling low about themselves. But nothing makes abuse okay. If their jealousy becomes abuse, you can get help from our counsellors.

If they're jealous because they have low self-esteem, you could encourage them to talk to us – no worry is too big or too small to contact us about.

Watch: Dealing with jealousy

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Jealousy and abuse

Sometimes jealousy can affect people so much that they become abusive.

It’s abusive when your girlfriend or boyfriend:

checks your phone for calls or texts
checks your emails or social networking profiles
follows you to check up on what you are doing
shouts at you, or physically hurts you if you don’t do what they want you to do.

This behaviour is abuse, and it’s a sign that someone’s jealousy is out of control. If someone is abusing you in this way, it’s not your fault. No matter what the reason is, this is wrong. You can get help by talking to an adult you trust or to our trained counsellors.

WHY NOT TRY

1. Writing a list of things you want to happen
Try to work on them yourself. You could use our Art box to make a picture, poem or words about how you feel and what you want to change. You can also get some advice about being assertive and building confidence.

2. Doing something to make you feel better
Recognising when you're feeling down can help. And then try doing something you enjoy. Sometimes social media can make you compare yourself to others, so do something different. Could you do some exercise? Or listen to some music? Or do something you really enjoy doing?