When someone dies

Grieving and dealing with loss

The death of someone you care about can be very difficult. These feelings are sometimes called grief. It's natural to have strong reactions when someone you love or are close to dies.

You might feel:

like you can't handle things
confused
scared, numb or that you've lost control
worried that you may never feel okay again.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to feel better straight away. These feelings will change over time. It's important to try to accept how you feel.

You might also be upset about the death of an animal or pet. Or when someone's still alive but you're not able to see or talk to them anymore. This can hurt as much as a relative or friend dying.

4 things to remember

Talk to someone who'll listen to how you feel – it can really help.
However you're feeling is okay, cry if you feel like it.
Look after yourself – remember to eat well and get plenty of rest.
Things can get easier over time.

Coping with Loss

ways to cope when someone dies

It's important to remember that feeling upset, scared or worried is normal. Lots of people feel this way after someone has died, but it's also okay if you don't.

If someone dies suddenly, you might feel shocked or anxious. You might find your emotions very tough to deal with but there are things that can help you cope.

Talk to someone

You might be worried about upsetting people you're close to if they're grieving as well. But sharing how you feel can help you to support each other. Talking about how you're feeling can really help.

Sometimes it can take a while to find the right person to talk to and who understands. Or you might want to talk to someone who doesn't know what's happened. Remember that you can always talk to Childline.

Express yourself

You might feel like you need to keep your feelings to yourself. Or that it's too overwhelming to let them out. But there are lots of small ways to let your feelings out. Finding what's right for you can really help. Why not try:

expressing your feelings with the Art box or doing something creative
letting out your anger by screaming into a pillow
writing a letter to the person who died saying how you feel – you could keep the letter, or destroy it
keeping a diary of how you're feeling
letting yourself cry.

You might want to express your feelings with someone you trust, or it might feel easier doing it by yourself. No matter how you express yourself, it can help to talk about it afterwards.

Remember that there’s no right or wrong way to feel

Nobody can tell you how you should feel after someone dies – everyone has their own way of dealing with loss. It can be difficult when people say that you should move on or want you to feel better when you're still grieving

It can help to try and find people who will understand what you're feeling. Speaking to an adult or someone you trust at school might help. Or you could post on the message boards where lots of young people talk about what it's like after someone dies.

How you feel after a death can change over time, but even if someone died a long time ago it's okay to still feel like you're grieving. And it's okay if you want to keep talking about it.

Ask questions

It's natural to be confused or have questions after someone's died. You might not know how they died or what's going to happen next.

Asking questions, big or small, can help you feel more in control when you're confused. It can help to:

think about who's best to ask and if they'll have the answers
make a list of things you'd like to ask about so you don't forget
plan a time when you can ask your questions without being disturbed or distracted.

Questions don't just have to be about how someone died or what's going to happen. Sometimes it can help to ask questions about what someone was like when they were alive.

If you're struggling to ask about things on your mind, try speaking to a Childline counsellor to practice.

Look after yourself

Do your best to eat well and get plenty of rest. You may find that you want to sleep more, especially soon after someone has died. You may also have dreams about the person who has died. This is your body’s way of coping with what's happened. If you can't sleep, you could have a look at our advice about problems with sleeping.

Doing exercise can help you feel less stressed, even if it's just going for a walk or spending some time outside. Take a look at our advice on taking care of yourself.

can't make
sense
out of this

If you're struggling to cope after someone has died, we can support you

Reactions to losing someone you love

Everyone reacts to death differently. And there's no right or wrong way to feel. When someone dies, you might feel:

shocked or numb

You might have trouble believing that the person has died, or feel like you can't take it in. You might have thoughts and feelings that you haven't felt before.

angry

You might be angry at other people, or at the person who has died. It's also normal to be angry with anything else, even normal things that you aren't usually bothered by. All of these feelings are natural reactions to losing someone you love.

guilty

You might be blaming yourself in some way for what's happened. Maybe you had an argument before they died. Or regret something you said or did. There might be something you wish you could've done. It's normal to be left with these difficult feelings. But it's important not to blame yourself.

It might help to ask yourself what the person you’ve lost might say about your feelings. Would they want you to feel responsible for things in the past that can no longer be changed? What might they say to you if they were still able to talk to you?

scared

It may seem like everything has changed very suddenly, or you might not know what's going to happen next. This can feel very scary. You might also be worried about practical things like money or where you're going to live. Things may not be the same. But that doesn't mean things won't get easier or less scary in the future.

Some young people get scared that someone else will die as well. Sharing your fears with someone you trust can help to make you feel more secure when things are feeling difficult.

relieved

If someone was very ill or suffering you might feel relief that their pain has stopped. You might feel relieved or happy if someone who was hurting you or abusing you has died.

It’s okay to feel relieved. Your thoughts and feelings are normal. It can be helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

depressed

You might feel like life has no meaning anymore and you don't know how to go on. You may feel that you want to be with the person who has died. Be patient – in time you may find it is easier to cope.

Sometimes people you’re close to find it too difficult to hear about these thoughts and feelings. You may find it easier to talk to another adult that you trust or chat to a Childline counsellor. Read about coping with depression.

Who to talk to about how you’re feeling

It can be difficult knowing who to talk to if you’re worried about upsetting someone or if you feel like they won’t understand. If someone else is grieving too you might not want to bother them. But sharing your feelings can really help. And you only need to tell people what you feel comfortable sharing. You could try talking to:

someone you trust, such as a family member or close friend
a teacher or another adult at school
a Childline counsellor
other people who’ve experienced similar feelings – look at our message board thread about bereavement

If you’re finding things difficult, it might be a good idea to visit your doctor. They may be able to give you some support with getting through the first few months as you adjust to such a big change.

they made me feel
important
and like my worries
mattered

Need to talk? Get in touch

Saying goodbye to someone who has died

Funerals and memorial services

A funeral is a ceremony for friends and family to celebrate the life of the person who has died and to say goodbye to them.

There are lots of different kinds of funeral. People might say a little about the person who died or there might be music or poetry. Funerals can be religious and they might involve prayers but they don't have to be. After a funeral, the person who died will often be buried or cremated.

Going to a funeral might feel scary or overwhelming, especially if it's for someone you were close to. You might not be sure if you want to go or if you'll be allowed to. But if you do decide to go, it can help you to say goodbye to someone who has died.

It's important to think about whether you would like to go to a funeral. You could decide to go for the whole thing or just part of the ceremony. Sometimes it can help to ask an adult you trust or a friend to help support you on the day or answer questions if you're not sure what to do.

If you don't want to go, or you're not allowed, it can sometimes help to have a say in what happens at the funeral. You could suggest a song or poem that the person who died would have liked, or help plan what will happen.

Burials and cremations

At the end of a funeral, the person who has died may be buried or cremated.

When someone who has died is buried, they’ll be taken in a coffin to a cemetery or churchyard. The coffin will be lowered into a hole in the ground and it’ll be covered with earth. Often family and friends are allowed to gather round as it’s lowered.

After, a headstone with their name is put down to mark the spot.

At a cremation, the coffin will be taken away at the end of the service (either behind a curtain or lowered down). The coffin and the body will be burned until only ashes remain. The family will be given the ashes later on. Some people keep the ashes in an urn, others might choose to bury or scatter them somewhere special.

Cremations and burials can bring up lots of feelings. If you want to talk about what’s happened, or about the person who has died, we’re here for you.

Remembering someone who has died

Lots of people worry about forgetting someone who has died. It can help to collect things that help remind you of the person, like photos, gifts or small things like photos of places you’ve been together. You can keep these in a box or a safe place and take out a reminder any time you want.

You might want to visit the grave or the place the ashes were scattered. But sometimes this can feel scary. If you’re not sure, it can help to ask an adult you trust.

You may find that birthdays and special events are times when you miss them most. But doing something to remember them on the day can really help.

Losing someone to suicide

Someone dying can affect you no matter how it happens. But when someone takes their own life it can feel even more difficult to cope. You might be:

scared or worried about how other people might react
angry at the person who died
guilty or ashamed about things you feel you could’ve done differently
confused about why they took their own life
feeling rejected or ignored by the person who died
numb or relieved about someone’s suffering being over.

3 ways to help you cope:

Talk to someone you trust - Talk to your family, a friend or even a Childline Counsellor about how you're feeling.
Write things down - This can help you to understand things more. You could keep what you’ve written, show someone or even destroy it.
Keep a memory box - In a box, keep different things that remind you of the person who died.

When an online friend dies

It can be really difficult if you find out that one of your online friends has died. You might feel very upset but find it hard to explain this to others. Some people might think you shouldn’t feel so sad because you didn’t know this person in the ‘real’ world.

But losing an online friend, especially one that you felt close to, can bring about the same feelings of loss and grief as losing a friend you know in person.

If this happens, you might find it helpful to speak to other people who were also online friends with them. You could also speak to an adult you trust about how you feel. Childline counsellors are here to listen to you and support you.

Memory stones

Speak to an adult you trust about helping you to find 3 small stones – a smooth stone, a rough stone and a gemstone.

When you have all 3, follow these steps:

Smooth stone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about the ordinary memories of the person who died, like their favourite food or drink or what kind of shoes they wore.
Rough stone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about some of your difficult memories, like what happened when you first found out they died.
Gemstone – Hold the stone in your hand and think about your special memories of the person, like TV you used to watch together or any holidays you went on.

Keep all of the stones together somewhere safe. When you feel ready you could show the stones to an adult you trust to share the different memories or tell a Childline counsellor about them.

Talking about what each of the stones represent can help you feel able to hold the stones in one hand together. It can remind you that even with the difficult memories you can still have the ordinary and special memories too.

It can take time to find the words and to begin to understand what has happened. But Childline is here to talk to you any time.

Olly Alexander from Years & Years talks about opening up

Feeling depressed, sad or unhappy?

Dealing with stress and anxiety

Helping someone else cope with death

It can be hard for you when a family member or friend is finding it difficult to cope with the death of someone.
You can try:

letting them know that you’re there to listen to them
giving them space if they want to be alone
being there for them if they want to cry or talk about their feelings
encouraging them to think of the happy times they had with the person who died
reminding them that it can take a long time to feel better and that this is normal
doing things like make a cup of tea for them or help with chores.

Find out more about supporting a friend.

Feeling loss when someone hasn’t died

There are lots of ways someone might feel like they've lost someone or something, even when nobody's died. You might:

miss someone after a relationship has ended
not be allowed to see someone in your family anymore
have a family member with dementia
move home or change schools
not see your family after going into care
have moved on from services that support you.

Losing someone or something can bring up many of the same feelings as when someone has died. Especially if you can't talk to the person you've lost.

Whatever's happened, it can really help to talk about how you're feeling to someone you trust or with Childline. If you're struggling, sometimes it can help to create something in the Art box.

Other sites that can help

Hope Again is the Cruse Bereavement Care website for young people living after loss.
Grief Encounter provides advice, coping tips, blogs and information for bereaved young people.
The Miscarriage Association can support you if you have had a miscarriage.