Being assertive

What does it mean to be assertive?

It means you clearly explain what you need or want from someone. Without being pushy or trying to frighten them.

Sometimes it can be hard to say how you really feel, especially if it means disagreeing with someone else. But everyone has the right to say how they feel and ask for what they need.

5 ways to be assertive:

practise what you want to say first, or try writing it down to prepare yourself
act calm and confident by standing up straight and not fidgeting
make eye contact
say what you want, clearly and politely
don’t apologise when asking for something you need.

When to be assertive

There are lots of situations where being assertive will really help:

coping with peer pressure, for example when a friend is trying to force you to smoke, or take drugs
breaking up or ending a relationship
standing up to people who bully you or call you names
saying ‘no’ if someone is pressuring you to have sex or do something sexual you don’t feel comfortable with
asking your parent or carer if you can go to a party
asking a teacher for more time to finish a project
saying ‘no’ when someone is trying to make you do something illegal.

It’s important to think about keeping yourself safe. If you think being assertive with someone might make them angry, it might be better to find another way of getting your point across. For example, if someone has threatened to hit you, it might be better to ask an adult for help, instead of standing up to them yourself.

How you can stand up to friends

Your friends might have got used to you always going along with what they want. If you suddenly start standing up for yourself, they might be surprised.

They may try and make you go back to the way you used to be. It’s really important to keep using your assertiveness skills if this happens.

Remember, you have the right to say how you feel. A good friend should respect this, even if it means that you disagree with them.

'Fogging'

'Fogging' is another useful way to be assertive and deal with negative comments. If someone is saying hurtful things about you, instead of getting upset or angry, you could try just agreeing in a really calm voice. This often makes the other person feel like there's no point carrying on with their comments. You don't have to believe what they're saying, but just pretending to agree might help to put them off.

For example:

Someone bullying you: Your new hair looks really rubbish.

You: Yeah... OK, you might be right.

Someone bullying you: Didn't you hear me? I think you look like a loser.

You: Maybe... you might think so.

Someone bullying you: Whatever...

It's important to remember that 'Fogging' isn't always the right way to deal with a situation. For example, if someone is trying to make you do something that you really don't want to do, it's better to be assertive and say 'no' to them.

Broken record

The 'Broken Record' is a tool that could help you be more assertive. All you have to do is keep repeating your point of view, and not get distracted by the other person's comments or arguments.

For example:

Friend: I dare you to steal some vodka from that shop?

You: No thanks, I don't really want to.

Friend: Go on, don't be such a baby.

You: No, I don't want to.

Friend: You'd do it if you were really my mate.

You: No, I just don't want to do it.

You could suggest something else to do instead. You could offer to go to the cinema with your friend after school, instead of stealing from a shop.

You should only suggest things that you'd feel happy to do.

How to build your confidence and self-esteem

If you want to build confidence and bring out your best self, use our tips to help you.

Ways to feel prepared

Put your shoulders back, stand up straight, put your head up, and make good eye contact with the person you’re speaking to. Check out our page about building confidence and self-esteem.

Be careful what you say

It can be really difficult to control your feelings. If you’re rude or unkind, or if you’re angry and shouting, then you are being aggressive. Aggressive behaviour can hurt other people, and it might cause you more problems.

Saying nasty things or swearing can also make situations worse. It’s important to stand up for what’s right for you without being aggressive or intimidating. Check our page on coping with anger.

Build your confidence

Everyone finds it hard to say ‘no’ sometimes. Being assertive can feel scary, particularly the first time you try it. The more you do it, the easier it gets.

You can always ask a friend or trusted adult to practise a situation with you first. Sometimes acting ‘as if’ you feel really confident can help you feel stronger inside.

Get tips on building your confidence.

Pick your moment

Staying calm is the most important way to be assertive without getting aggressive. Pick a good time to have your conversation.

Don’t try to start a difficult conversation if you are feeling tired, tense or hungry. If you feel yourself getting frustrated or angry, try and calm down by taking some slow deep breaths, and stopping to count to 10. If you still feel like you are losing control, it might be better to walk away.