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Parents in prison
Having a parent or carer in prison can be tough. And it can often feel difficult for both you and your family. Whatever you're going through, we're here to help.
Having a parent in prison
Having a parent or carer in prison can leave you feeling all sorts of things.
It's normal to feel torn between loving your parent and hating what they've done. This can make you feel confused, and like you need someone to talk to.
Whatever the reason your parent is in prison, it's not your fault. And if somebody tells you you're worthless, or blames you for your parent being in prison – that's emotional abuse. It's wrong and it shouldn't be happening.
Even if you decide to report your mum or dad, or tell someone about what's happening, you're doing the right thing.
How you might feel:
- like you miss them and want them back
- confused, shocked or angry
- betrayed, guilty or embarrassed
- lonely, upset or depressed
- worried about them coming back or about the future.
However you feel, it's not your fault they are in prison and we can help.
stress on the family
When a parent goes to prison, things can often change at home – sometimes for the better and sometimes for worse.
Sometimes having a parent in prison can create money worries, and there might be more stress for the rest of the family. But remember, this is never your fault.
You might have to:
- take on more responsibility at home and do chores
- look after younger brothers or sisters
- look after a parent
- juggle school work with prison visits.
Some young people have told us that there've been fights or arguments in the family since their parent went to prison. And this can be a really difficult time at home.
Remember that you have the right to feel safe at home. If the fights ever become physical, this is domestic abuse, and it's not okay. If you feel in danger call the police 999. And if you need to talk, we can help.
Talking about it
It can be really hard to talk about a family member in prison.
But it's really important to tell people how you feel.
Your family might not know how much it's affecting you. And they might be feeling just as lonely and confused as you.
Try writing your thoughts and questions in a letter for them to read. If they still don't want to talk about it, you don't have to cope on your own.
My family won't talk
Some families don't want to talk about a family member who's in prison.
They might do this as their way of protecting you and other family members. Or because they don't want others to know as they may feel ashamed or embarrassed.
Having nobody to talk to can leave you feeling frustrated, anxious and lonely. But we can help. You can talk to a counsellor about how it's making you feel at any time. They're there to listen and support you.
I can't tell my friends
Lots of young people fear that their friends will see them as 'weird' or 'strange' with having a parent in prison. But keeping it bottled up may leave you feeling lonely and isolated. Remember, you aren't responsible for your parents did or didn't do.
It might feel like your friends won't understand. But friends should support you, not judge you.
Choose one friend that you trust and start with them – you don't have to tell everybody all at once. You could start by talking about prison in general, on a TV programme, or pretend a friend has a parent in prison, to see how they react.
You don't need to tell them every detail about your situation if you don't want to. Once you talk to one friend, it can help you feel better.
Making different choices
If a parent is in prison, it's natural to want to make a different life for yourself. We've got some advice for keeping out of trouble below.
Give yourself options
Staying in school or training after you turn 16 will give you:
- more choice in getting a job in the future
- skills and knowledge to be successful
- more control over where you live if you're financially independent
- an idea of where you'd like to be in 5 years time.
Choosing the right friends
Ask yourself if your friends are good for you. They should never put you down, bully you or pressure you to do something you don't want to.
If your friends get in trouble with police, are part of a gang or start doing something illegal like drugs it's time to get support.
If you're scared of what they might do, you can contact us in confidence or read our advice on how to leave a gang.
Ask for help
Having a parent in prison can be tough and it's okay to ask for help. You could talk to someone you trust, like a teacher, friend or family member.
Remember, you can talk to us anytime about what's going on on 0800 1111. You can also get advice from the Prisoners' Families Helpline.
siblings in prison
If you have a brother or sister who's been sent to prison, it may feel like you've lost an older friend or someone you trust and look up to.
And it might become harder to get on with your parents.
You may feel confused or angry, but remember that you can ask an adult you trust help. And you can always talk to a counsellor about what's going on.
When a sibling comes out of prison
Things can also be difficult when your sibling comes out of prison.
Sometimes relationships go back to how they were, but sometimes prison can change relationships.
Every situation is different. But it's important to give them some time to get used to being at home.
If your parents won't let you see them
Your parents might not want you to see your sibling (either while they are in prison or once they have come back home).
This can make you feel alone, especially if it's sometimes hard to get on with your parents.
But your sibling might have made some mistakes in their life. And it might be that your parents just want to protect you.
Each situation is different, but you could ask your parents if it's possible to see your sibling at certain times in a safe place. For example, if your sibling has left prison you may all be able to meet up once a month.
Remember, they'll always be your family.
if you want them to stay in prison
There are lots of reasons why you might not want your parent to be released from prison.
Depending on the reason they were arrested, you might be worried about you or your family's safety in case they find you. This can cause a lot of anxiety.
Depending on what's happened, the police or social services might have plans to make you feel safe. For example, they might give you or your family a number to call. Or they might call your home to check on you.
We can get in touch with social services or the police for you, if you ever feel unsafe – all you need to do is get in touch.
You might also find things at home are much better since your parent went to prison. There might be fewer arguments and your family's learnt to cope without them. You might also worry that your parent will commit further crimes or feel embarrassed about their behaviour before they went to prison.
Remember that we're here and can talk you through how things will change and how you can get support.
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