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Healthy and unhealthy relationships
Relationships can be confusing. Especially if you really like someone but they do things you're not comfortable with. We're here to help you think about what feels right for you.
What is an unhealthy relationship?
Being in a relationship can be exciting and should make you feel happy. A healthy relationship is when everyone feels respected, trusted and valued for who they are.
A healthy relationship includes:
- Good communication
You and your partner can talk openly about things without feeling scared of what might happen, or being judged for what you’ve said. - Mutual respect
You listen to each other and respect each other’s boundaries. And nobody does anything to make you feel uncomfortable, scared or humiliated. - Trust
You can trust each other without getting jealous, including being able to spend time with other people. - Honesty
Being able to say what you think and feel without censoring yourself or worrying what might happen. - Equality
Nobody in a relationship should have power over the other person, and it’s never okay one person to force the other to do something. - Being yourself
You’re able to keep being yourself, doing things you enjoy and spending time with friends and family outside of the relationship.
Even when a relationship is helping you or meeting a need, it can still be unhealthy or abusive. There might be one thing that makes you question your relationship, or lots of little things. Whatever’s happening, we’re here to help.
5 ways to get support with your relationship:
- Talk to an adult you trust
- Talk to your doctor
- Read letters from other young people on Ask Sam
- Talk to a Childline counsellor about anything
Signs of an unhealthy relationship
It’s not always easy to spot when your relationship is becoming unhealthy or abusive. But if something is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, then it’s important to talk about it.
Signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- your partner going through your phone, using your passwords or accessing your social media
- being criticised for how you look, or having to change your appearance
- getting bullied, hurt or hit is always abuse
- feeling pressure to do sexual things or send nudes
- being stopped from seeing people, or getting jealous if you do
- feeling like you’re not in control of what you do or say
- receiving gifts, but being made to feel like you need to do something in return
If you’re worried or unsure about something in your relationship, it can help to talk about it. You could share what’s happening with a Childline counsellor.
Coercive control and gaslighting
Coercive control is when someone tries to manipulate and force someone into doing what they want. This kind of control can build over time, and it’s not always easy to tell when it’s happening.
Coercive control can involve threats or violence, but not always. Some signs of coercive control could be:
- making you feel like you can’t trust your friends or family
- getting you to lie or keep secrets
- making you feel like you owe your partner
- threatening you or saying bad things will happen
- taking control of things like your phone, where you go, and who you see
- threatening to hurt themselves if you don’t want to say
- telling you that they’ll spread rumours, private information, or share your nudes
- withholding affection or threatening to leave
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt yourself or your own judgement. Someone might tell you that things have happened that didn’t, or disagree with you about different details.
If someone is making you doubt yourself or your own judgement, it can help to speak to someone outside of the situation. This could be to an adult you trust or to us.
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Feeling unsafe in a relationship
If your partner is abusive or makes you feel scared or unsafe in your relationship, it's important to get support. Try talking to an adult you trust or to a Childline counsellor. In an emergency, you should always call 999.
Making a safety plan can tell you what to do if your partner threatens you or you’re not safe. Find out more about how to make a safety plan.
Leaving or ending a relationship can be scary. But it can help make you safer in the future. It can take time to feel ready, but we’ve got advice to help:
- Plan what you want to say
Focus on your feelings but remember to clearly say that you want to end things. - Pick a neutral place
Meet in neutral place with other people around, and bring someone with you if you can. You can end things over messages if it feels safer. - Plan what to do after
Plan how you'll get home safely before you meet up. It's also a good idea to let a friend or family member know where you're going. - Talk to people you trust
Getting support from your family, friends and people you trust can really help you to feel better. - Get support afterwards
If they contact you again or try to threaten you, this isn’t your fault and you can get support. You can talk to us, someone you trust or even the police if you’re scared.
Ending a relationship
Leaving or ending a relationship can be scary. But it can help make you safer in the future. It can take time to feel ready, but we’ve got advice to help:
- Talk to people you trust
Getting support from your family, friends and people you trust can really help you to feel better. They can also help to make sure you’re safe during and after ending a relationship. - Plan what you want to say
Focus on your feelings but remember to clearly say that you want to end things. - Pick a neutral place
Meet in neutral place with other people around, and bring someone with you if you can. You can end things over messages if it feels safer. Share the location with someone you trust so they know where you are. - Plan what to do after
Plan how you'll get home safely before you meet up. It's also a good idea to let a friend or family member know where you're going. Check in with people you trust afterwards about how it went and where you are. - Get support afterwards
You can talk to us, someone you trust or even the police if you’re scared.
Being contacted after breaking up
Trying to contact you or get involved in your life after you’ve someone not to is harassment.
Harassment can include:
- Repeatedly trying to call, message, or speak to you via social media
- Getting other people to contact you on their behalf
- Following you or trying to find out where you are and what you’re doing
- Threatening you or trying to make you feel guilty
- Spreading rumours and false information about you
- Sharing your nudes or private information about you
- Telling you that they’ll hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want
Whatever’s happening, it’s not your fault and it’s important to get support. You can speak to us any time or to an adult you trust. If someone makes you feel unsafe then you can always talk to the police.
Sex, consent and healthy relationships
Deciding whether you’re ready to be sexually active with your partner is your decision. And if you’re not feeling comfortable or ready then nobody has the right to pressure or force you.
Respecting each other’s boundaries is part of a healthy relationship. If you’re thinking about doing something sexual, then everyone must be consenting and comfortable with it. It’s your responsibility to know whether your partner is consenting.
Being pressured to have sex
It’s never okay for another person to pressure you to do something sexual. The person you’re with should care about you enough not to pressure you or make you do something you’re not happy about.
Pressure can include:
- asking you over and over again
- making you feel bad for not saying yes or changing your mind
- threatening to tell other people or share things about you
- being told you owe someone sex
- feeling like you have to do it because of peer pressure or things you see online.
It’s not okay for someone to make you feel like you have to do something sexual, and being made to do something can be considered rape or sexual assault.
If you’re being pressured, then we’re here to support you.
But I said yes before…
Even when you’ve said yes or felt comfortable before, it’s always okay to change your mind. And you have the right to stop things any time you want to.
Remember, it’s wrong for anyone to:
- do anything sexual without your consent
- make you feel bad, scared or guilty for not saying yes
- do something sexual with you when you’re drunk or have taken drugs
- pressure you or make you feel like you have to do something
- bully you or call you names because they don’t agree with your decision
- threaten to tell other people or share stuff online
- offer you something in exchange for sex
- force you into anything or hurt you.
If someone does something sexual with you without your consent, then that’s rape or sexual assault. And if you’ve been made to feel like you can’t say no, then we’re here to support you.
Feeling like you owe someone
Nobody is owed sex, and it’s never okay for someone to make you feel like you owe them sex or that you have do something sexual if you don’t want to.
Whether or not you do something sexual is always your choice. Even if someone has done something for you, helped you or bought you gifts, they have no right to expect you to pay them back sexually. Expecting someone to have sex or do something sexual in exchange for things is sometimes called sexual exploitation, and it’s a type of sexual abuse.
If you’re worried about owing someone sex, it’s important to talk about it. You can talk to an adult you trust or speak to Childline any time.
Sexting
Sexting is when you send a sexual message, photo or video to someone else. It could be a picture of you, but sometimes people send pictures and videos of other people.
If you’re thinking about sexting or sending a nude, it’s important to think about what might happen to anything you send, whether it’s what you want and how it might make someone else feel. We’ve got lots of advice to help before you decide.
Worried about someone else?
If you think someone else might be in an unhealthy relationship, it can be difficult to know what to do. Especially if the person you’re worried about is being groomed or doesn’t see things the way you do.
Anyone can be in an unhealthy relationship. And if you’re worried, there are things you can do to help.
If you’re worried about someone:
- tell why you’re worried and that you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk
- share information on this page about healthy relationships
- tell someone you trust, like a parent, carer or teacher
- get advice from a Childline counsellor
- help them make a safety plan, and in an emergency call 999
When you’re supporting someone else, it’s important to take care of yourself as well. Childline is always here to support you.
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