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Sex and consent
It's normal to have lots of questions about sex, consent, or doing sexual things. However you’re feeling, we’ve got advice to help.
Talking about sex
It can sometimes feel awkward talking about sex. You might have been told that it’s something embarrassing, or that you shouldn’t talk about sex. But it’s natural to have questions, and talking to someone you trust can really help.
You might be questioning:
- whether you want to have sex, or if you feel ready
- what contraception you can use and how to access it
- how to cope if someone wants to do something and you don’t
- what masturbation is and if it’s okay
Whatever’s on your mind, you can talk to us. We’ve got lots of advice, or you can speak to a Childline counsellor about anything.
What is sex?
Sex can mean lots of different things. People who mention ‘having sex’ are often talking about having sexual intercourse, but not always.
Having sex isn’t the only way people are intimate or sexual with each other. There are lots of things that someone might find intimate, like hugging, kissing or watching something sexual with someone else.
It’s always important to talk about what you and someone else is comfortable with before deciding whether to keep going. Nobody has the right to pressure you or make you feel like you have to do something.
5 facts about consent:
- Consent is more than just saying yes or no
- Wanting to do something once doesn’t mean you have to in the future
- Consent applies to anything sexual, not just sexual intercourse
- Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to do what your partner wants
- You can change your mind about what’s happening any time
What is consent?
Consenting means you understand and agree to something without being pressured or feeling scared. Consent isn’t just about saying yes or no, and how you feel can change from one moment to the next.
If you’re thinking about doing something sexual, then everyone must be consenting and comfortable with it. It’s your responsibility to know whether your partner is consenting.
Remember that:
- consent applies regardless of your gender or sexuality
- someone can’t consent if they’re drunk, unconscious or they don’t know what’s happening
- consent isn’t just given once, and someone can stop consenting at any time
- nobody has the right to do something sexual with you without your consent
- flirting isn’t the same as consenting.
How do I know if someone’s consenting?
Understanding whether your partner consents can be confusing sometimes. But we’ve got advice to help:
- Use their body language
Look at how your partner is behaving, ask yourself if they’re smiling, enjoying themselves, nodding or looking at you. If someone doesn’t look interested, is stressed, upset or is pulling away, then stop. - Talk about it
Ask questions, check how your partner is feelings and talk about what’s happening. Remember that even if someone says yes, they’ve got the right to change their mind. - Accept how someone feels
If someone says no, isn’t interested or doesn’t feel ready, stop and accept how they feel. Asking over and over or making someone feel bad for not consenting means that you’re pressuring them, which can be a form of abuse. - Think about their state of mind
Are they awake and sober? Someone who’s drunk, passed out or asleep cannot give consent. - If you’re not sure, stop
It’s your responsibility to know if your partner is consenting, not theirs. If someone continues to do anything sexual without consent, that can be considered to be rape or sexual assault.
Age, the law and consent
It's illegal to have sex or do sexual things with without full consent from everyone involved.
It can be a crime to engage in sexual activity with someone if:
- they're not able to give or accept consent because they're drunk or they've taken drugs
- you're not sure whether someone is consenting
- they're worried about being hurt if they don't say yes
- you're in a position of trust or power over the other person.
The age of consent is 16. This means that it's illegal to have sex with anyone who's under 16 years old. This is the same no matter what your sexuality or gender is.
It's important to remember that the law is there to protect children and young people, not punish them. If you're both aged 13-15 and you’ve consented to doing things, it's still against the law. But it's less likely that legal action would be taken.
It’s never legal for someone to have any sexual contact with you if you’re under 13. If that’s happened, then we’re here to support you.
When someone over 16 is having sex with someone under 16, they're also breaking the law. They may be arrested even if everyone has consented.
What if I didn’t say no?
If someone does something sexual with you and you’ve not agreed to it freely, then that’s sexual assault or rape.
Nobody has the right to do something sexual with another person without their consent. And it’s their responsibility to make sure know if you’re consenting. It’s not your responsibility to say no, and what’s happened isn’t your fault.
However you’re feeling, it can help to talk about it. And you can talk to Childline about anything.
Knowing if you’re ready
The only person who can decide if you’re ready to do something sexual is you.
If you're thinking about having sex or doing something sexual, you should ask yourself:
- do I feel comfortable doing something sexual with another person?
- can I talk to my partner about sex or sexual things?
- will my partner support me if I don’t do something?
- would I want to be sexually active if other people weren’t pressuring me?
- do I have contraception and know about safe sex?
- do I feel confident about what to do if I change my mind?
If you’ve said no or you’re not sure about any of these questions, you might not be ready.
There are lots of reasons you might feel pressured to do something. You might be worried about being left out, or not seen as mature. Or you might about how your partner will react.
If you’re feeling pressured, it can help to talk to an adult you trust or to Childline.
Consent explained Ft. Jack Howard
'The Sex Talk' Part 1: Sex & Relationships
'The Sex Talk' Part 2: Sex & Contraception
Preparing to have sex
Sex can feel different depending on who you're with, your sexuality and what you’re expecting. Lots of people have an emotional connection with the person they're with as well as a physical attraction.
Whether it's your first time having sex or you've had it before, it's important to feel comfortable before you do anything.
Try our tips to feel more comfortable:
Talk about what you want to do with your partner
Communication is an important part of a healthy relationship, that includes being able to talk about sex or anything you’d like to do together.
You could talk about:
- whether you feel ready
- things that would make each other more comfortable
- contraception
- if you did something, where and how you’d feel comfortable.
Sex can be embarrassing to talk about sometimes. If you’re not feeling comfortable talking about it, then it might be a sign that you’re not ready.
It’s never okay to make someone feel bad for not wanting to do something. But if everyone is feeling ready, then talking about things can help you to feel more confident.
Find out about contraception and safe sex
Contraception helps stop pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Whether it's your first time or you're in a relationship, you should use contraception. There are lots of places to get contraception, including supermarkets, pharmacies and your doctor.
You can stop at any time
You can change your mind about having sex at any time. And that’s okay.
You might feel pressure to keep going, especially if you’ve agreed before. But it’s always okay to stop if something doesn’t feel right or you change your mind.
Build your confidence about how you look
It can be difficult to relax when you’re worried about how you look or if you’ve experienced gender dysphoria.
It can help to:
- talk to your partner about how you’re feeling
- take time each day to write down 3 things you like about yourself
- think about ways you might feel more comfortable if you were intimate with someone else.
Building confidence can take time, but we’ve got advice to help.
Remember everyone is different
There’s no right or wrong way to have sex. And being intimate or sexually active isn’t just about having sex.
Sex shouldn’t be painful, even if it’s the first time. If it is, then it’s important to communicate with each other about what you feel comfortable with – it’s different for everyone.
Get more support from Brook on having sex for the first time.
Masturbation
Masturbation is when you touch your body and your genitals because it feels good or pleasurable. People of any gender can masturbate and it's completely natural.
Whether you masturbate is your choice. People usually masturbate when they’re on their own, but sometimes they’ll do it with their partner. It’s not okay to masturbate in public.
If you’re worried about masturbation, it can help to remember:
- Whether you do it is your choice
- Some people masturbate lots, and some don’t want to at all. There’s no right or wrong amount.
- There’s no ‘right’ way to masturbate
- It can take time to work out what feels good for you, but that’s okay.
- People masturbate at different ages
- There’s no set age that people have to start. Choosing to masturbate is a choice that only you can make.
If you want to know more – check out the information on our facts about puberty page.
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