Sexual orientation

A bit about sexuality

Some people know when they're very young who they fancy. For other people, it's not so simple. And it can take a while to work out.

People whose sexuality is something other than straight are often called LGB (short for lesbian, gay or bisexual) or LGBT' – the 'T' stands for transgender (a gender identity rather than an orientation). But there are many more different kinds of sexuality.

It might take some time to work out what your sexual orientation is. Remember there's no such thing as normal. And you don't have to feel pressured or rushed to give yourself a label.

If you ever want to talk about your feelings, don't forget you can always talk to us.

Things to remember about your sexuality:

only you can decide what your sexuality is
it takes different people different amounts of time to understand their sexuality
'coming out' can be a tough experience but it can often get easier as you start to tell more people
there are lots of different types of sexuality
someone's sexuality may change over time - this is OK.

Questioning your sexuality

It's completely normal to need time to work out who you are. And it's okay not to be sure.

Liking a film, book or music video about same-sex relationships doesn't necessarily mean you must be a certain sexual orientation. It's possible to find a lot of different types of people sexually attractive. Only 1 person can decide who you fancy – and that's you.

Being gay or bisexual doesn't mean you have to do sexual acts a certain way. Or do anything people do in films, TV shows or porn. And no one should pressure you into acting a certain way, having a relationship, having unsafe sex or doing anything you don't want to do.

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Coming out

Telling someone else you're lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) is often called 'coming out'. And people who haven't come out are sometimes described as being 'in the closet' or not 'openly' LGB.

Life in the closet can be very isolating. Keeping such a big secret can be a lot of pressure. Coming out can be harder if people around you have negative views on being LGB or use it as an excuse to be unkind or discriminatory.

The first step to coming out is being able to tell yourself that you're lesbian, gay or bisexual. You might prefer a different word to describe yourself, such as pansexual or even asexual. You might also choose to identify as 'questioning' while you work things out.

Ways to come out

Coming out doesn't happen just once. So it's good to work out what you feel comfortable telling people. Some LGB people might decide to only come out to certain people in their lives. Other people are out to everyone they meet. It depends on how you feel – and how safe you feel coming out to those around you. Coming out doesn't mean you have to start being sexually active.

Things to consider:

Tell someone supportive
Think about who you want to tell and how - it can help to come out in stages. You may want to come out first to someone you think will be supportive and who'll let you tell others in your own time.
Bring it up gradually
Try having a general conversation to see how they respond - it might help to drop in references to famous LGB people or TV characters. This can give you a good idea of who might be a good person to come out to first
Be ready
Think about how they may react - do you feel safe telling them? Some people will be very supportive - others might be surprised, shocked or even hostile. No one should ever blame you or make you feel bad for your sexual orientation.

If you're worried about coming out, talking to a Childline counsellor could help.

Coming out when your parents are homophobic

Coming out is a brave step in anyone's life. But it can be even harder if your parents or carers (or other people in your life) are homophobic. If you're coming out to someone who you think may react badly, it's important to do this at a time that's right and safe for you.

You could start by telling someone you really trust, who you know will support you. You could then ask that person to help you come out to more people. Doing it in stages like this can help you feel in control of the situation. Only you'll know when you feel ready to tell people.

Your sexual orientation is only one part of what makes you the person you are. Someone's first reaction to you coming out might not reflect how they'll truly feel as time goes on. This can be a big piece of news. People might take a little while to adjust. Being LGB doesn't change who you are – your family should accept that.

The Albert Kennedy Trust supports young lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people who are dealing with abusive situations at home. They also support young LGB people who are worried about being homeless.

Supporting a friend who has come out

If your friend tells you they're lesbian, gay or bisexual, it might come as a surprise at first. But it shouldn't change anything. They're still the same person you've enjoyed a friendship with.

It's important to remember how brave they've been in coming out to you. Remember – they've trusted you. So don't tell other people without checking with them first.

Being there to listen to and support your friend will make a difference to them. It's a good idea to avoid pressuring them to tell other people if they don't want to. And if you're not sure if it's okay for you to tell people your friend is LGB, it's better to not tell anyone.

Having LGB parents

Some young people live with lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) parents. Sometimes people like this may have to answer questions from friends who are curious or ignorant about different kinds of families.

Questions might include "Why do you have two mums?" or "Why do you have two dads?". Other people may ask "How can you have a family without a mum (or dad)?". Young people with a transgender parent may also face these kinds of questions.

Some people might think that because your mum or dad is in a same-sex relationship, you'll also be LGB. This simply isn't true and it could be homophobic. Like everyone else, you could grow up to be any sexual orientation.

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LGB pride

Many LGB people around the world celebrate who they are through pride festivals, youth groups and campaigns to change homophobic laws around the world. These things happen to:

help stop homophobia
educate people about LGB issues
stand up for the rights of LGB people
show the world that LGB people are everywhere.

When LGB people get together to do these things as a community, this is often called the 'pride movement'. Transgender people often also are part of the pride movement – LGB trans people may face homophobia as well as transphobia.

There might be a youth group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in your area. These groups can be a great way to get support, meet similar people and get involved in making your own community a better place.

Did you know?

The rainbow flag is the symbol for LGB pride. The different colours of the rainbow represent diversity among LGB people. You might see the flag at events like gay pride, where lots of gay and straight people celebrate LGB people

Homophobia and prejudice

Things have improved for LGB people over time – society treats people with different sexualities better than in the past. But some people's views about sexual orientation are based on ignorance. If you're an LGB person, you may have to deal with these attitudes. But it's getting better all the time.

However, if you've experienced bullying or harassment because of your sexuality, you can always get support by talking to us.

Types of prejudice

Homophobia

Homophobia is a fear or dislike of LGB people, or people who are thought to be LGB. It's based on prejudice and it can result in LGB people being bullied or hurt. LGB people can sometimes be discriminated against. Sometimes, people pretend to be homophobic to fit in or because people peer pressure. Homophobia can make you feel like there's something wrong with being LGB. This isn't true. You have a right to be who you are.

Homophobia can take many forms but some examples include:

insulting you or threatening you because of your sexual orientation
saying things like "It's just a phase you're going through," or "How can you know your orientation at your age?"
telling you that being LGB is a choice and that you can change your sexual orientation
telling you that being LGB is an illness.

In the UK, there are laws to protect people from homophobia. Your school should take homophobic bullying seriously and help things get better. If you have a bad experience with homophobia, you can also report it to your local police or online through the True Vision scheme.

Biphobia

Biphobia is a fear or dislike of people who are bisexual (attracted to both boys and girls). Just like homophobia, it's a form of discrimination.

Some people may say that bisexual people are just trying to be 'cool' or 'different'. Sometimes bisexuality is seen as being just a phase. Other people might say bisexual people are greedy for liking both sexes. Or that they should 'make their minds up'. All these ideas are biphobic.

There are lots of bisexual people in the world. It's completely normal to like both sexes. Many people have relationships with both men and women at different times throughout their life but are still bisexual.

Heterosexism

Heterosexism is linked to homophobia. It's when people think that straight (heterosexual) relationships – between a boy and a girl – are more important or more 'normal' than LGB relationships. Heterosexism is a form of discrimination.

Homophobia in sport

Lots of people who play or watch sport are completely accepting of LGB people. Many will be LGB themselves. However, some people may occasionally say homophobic things. Homophobia is not okay. And saying its 'just banter' isn't an excuse.

If you feel people are being homophobic towards you, it's okay to tell an adult you trust. This could be your coach. Or another adult involved in your team. If you don't feel you can talk to them, you could try talking to a teacher or family member.

There are some sports clubs and organisations set up especially for LGB people. You could take a look at Pride Sports for more information.

Sometimes when people are watching sport, they might make homophobic chants towards the players. Even if lots of people are doing it, this is not okay. You shouldn't feel like you have to join in.

There are ways to report homophobic abuse without anyone knowing it was you who made the report. If you're at a football match and see homophobic abuse (or any other kind of discrimination), you can use the Kick It Out app to report what happened. You can also report any abuse you hear to a steward during or after a sporting event.

Discrimination and equal opportunities

Find out what it means and what you can do to protect yourself.

12 types of sexual orientation

There are lots of different types of sexuality – we've listed 12 below. This doesn't include every type of sexuality – there are lots of other types too. Some of them are quite similar. But feeling comfortable with your own sexuality – and any label you put on it – is what matters.

Gay/homosexual people
are emotionally and physically attracted to people of the same sex. Gay is often used to describe boys fancying boys, although girls who fancy girls can also describe themselves as gay.
Lesbian
is another word to describe girls who are emotionally and physically attracted to other girls.
Straight/heterosexual people
are emotionally and physically attracted to people of the opposite sex. An example would be girls fancying boys. And boys fancying girls.
Bisexual (or 'bi') people
are emotionally and physically attracted to both sexes.
Asexual people
don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. Although they can still enjoy close, romantic, intimate and emotional relationships.
Bicurious people
see themselves as either heterosexual or homosexual, but may also sometimes be curious about the gender they're not normally attracted to.
Questioning people
are unsure about their sexual orientation. Often, they're still working out whether they might be LGB, straight or something else.
Heteroflexible people
think of themselves as straight but may also sometimes be attracted to people from the same sex. For example, a heteroflexible boy would mostly be attracted to girls but may occasionally be drawn to other boys when the situation feels right.
Homoflexible people
think of themselves as gay but may sometimes be attracted to someone of the opposite sex, if it feels right. For example, a homoflexible girl may have come out as a lesbian but might sometimes find boys attractive too.
Demisexual people
don't have any sexual attraction unless they have a strong emotional connection with someone first. This often isn't a choice.
Pansexual people
can be attracted to people of any gender or sexual orientation. This includes transgender people or people who feel they're neither male nor female (sometimes called 'genderqueer' or non-binary people).
Crossed orientation (or mixed orientation) people
experience a romantic or emotional attraction that is different from their sexual attraction. For example, someone may feel emotionally attracted to girls but sexually attracted to boys.

Other sites we recommend:

Young Stonewall can help you find out more about issues affecting young LGB people.
It Gets Better Project has supportive stories from lesbian, gay, bi and trans people all over the world.
Being Gay Is OK gives advice about being LGB for people under 25.
Brook: Sexuality pages can give you advice on sexuality, from fitting in and coming out to bullying and getting help.
London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard gives free, confidential support and advice.
True Vision is a place where you can report homophobic or biphobic hate crime here.