Coming out

When should I come out?

Telling someone about your gender or sexuality doesn’t just happen once. You could ‘come out’ to lots of different people at different times. Or you might not want to come out to anyone.

If you decide to come out, you might be worried about:

how they’ll react
whether they’ll understand and support you
if they’ll tell anyone else
that you might be discriminated against or bullied.

Coming out can help you to feel less isolated and more accepted, but it’s important to be ready. There’s no right or wrong time to come out to someone about your sexuality or gender identity. Only you can say when the right time to come out is.

If you’re not sure who to speak to first, remember that you can always talk to us.

Things to think about before you come out:

Who you trust to tell.
When to have the conversation.
Whether to tell someone face-to-face, over the phone or in a letter or message.
How to stay safe and take care of yourself if someone reacts badly.
What you’d like to say.
If you want to tell just one person or more.
How you might feel afterwards.

Tips for coming out

Plan how to do it and what you'll do

How you come out is your choice. Planning what to do can help you to figure out what’s best for you and feel more confident. It can help to think about:

Who to tell. Try telling someone you trust first to see how you feel. This could be a friend, family member, trusted adult or a Childline counsellor. It could also be another young person on our message boards.
How to bring it up. You might want to try talking about LGBTQ+ people on TV, social media or in the news to see how someone reacts.
When to do it. Find a time when you can talk privately and you won't be distracted or disturbed. You can also think about what you can do afterwards.

After you've done it

Coming out is something to feel proud of. But it can also be difficult to know what to do next. If you’re confused or worried after coming out, try:

Talking about it. Whatever happens when you come out, it can help to talk. You can speak to a Childline counsellor, or share your experience on our message boards.
Giving it time. Even if someone doesn’t know how to react at first, they might still be able to support you later.
Distracting yourself. Doing something you enjoy or keeping yourself busy can help you to feel less anxious.
Celebrating. You’ve done a brave and brilliant thing, you could celebrate with other people or spend some time by yourself. Do whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable.

When you're ready

There are lots of things you can do to help yourself feel more prepared:

Practice what you’ll say. Write down what you’d like to say or practice in front of a mirror. You can keep anything you say in a safe place until you're ready. You could practice coming out on our message boards or ask for tips from people who’ve done it before.
Think about what you might be asked. People might have questions when you come out, go over what you might be asked but remember that you don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to.
Say whether they can tell anyone else. Decide whether you’re okay with the person you come out to telling other people. And think about whether there’s anyone they definitely shouldn’t tell.
Prepare for different reactions. If someone isn’t expecting you to come out they might not know how to react right away. It can help to think about what you want to do if they do react in a way you weren’t expecting.

Watch: Ben Hunte talks about coming out

Come out in a message

If you’re struggling to say something out loud, sending a message or writing a letter can be a good way to start a conversation with someone you trust.

It can help to:

find a time to do it when they are not busy or about to rush off somewhere
distract yourself with hobbies and things you enjoy after you've sent the letter, this can help you feel less anxious
plan what you want to do if things don’t go well.

Download our Conversation starter to get ideas to help you write your thoughts.

You can’t always control how people will react when they see your message or letter. Whatever you're going through, you can always get support from Childline.

Try our conversation starter

Download our Conversation starter - clicking the link will save a copy of the message to your device, so only use it if you feel safe to.

Not being accepted

Not being accepted after you’ve come out can make you feel isolated or scared, especially if the people around you are homophobic, transphobic or it's against their beliefs. You might be worried about whether you’ve made the right decision and not be sure what to do next. But there are ways to get help.

Being bullied or harassed

Nobody has the right to bully you because of your sexuality. But it can have a big effect on you if people are bullying you. Read our advice on what to do if you’re being bullied or experiencing discrimination or hate.

People stop being friends with you

Try giving your friend time and space to think about what you’ve told them. Sometimes it can take time for people to realise that your gender identity or sexuality doesn’t change what made you friends in the first place.

Some people are never able to accept someone who is LGBTQ+, this is never your fault.

Even if a friend isn't able to accept you as LGBTQ+, a good friend should never:

put you down
make fun of you, your religion, sexuality or culture
put you in danger or make you feel unsafe.

If you’re worried about how a friend has reacted, try talking to one of our counsellors.

Some of your family are homophobic or transphobic

You can’t control how other people react to LGBTQ+ people. Sometimes your family might be worried about your future, or they might think that being LGBTQ+ is wrong. Some young people are told that they’re too young to know or that it’s a phase.

Remember that even if your family reacts badly at first, it doesn’t mean that they’ll always feel that way. It can take time for some people to accept someone is LGBTQ+.

It’s important to talk to someone you trust if your family isn’t supporting you or if they do anything that makes you feel unsafe. You can always talk to a Childline counsellor for support.

Getting threatened

Being threatened is never okay, and you have the right to get support. If someone threatens you or makes you feel unsafe, you could write down what was said or done and when it happened so you can show someone you trust and get support

You could:

ask an adult for help
talk to the police by phoning 101, or 999 in an emergency
speak to Childline

Find out more about discrimination, hate crime and equality.

If you've been made homeless

Being thrown out because of your gender or sexual identity can make you really unsafe, and it’s important to get support. Read our advice on what to do if you’re LGBTQ+ and you’ve been made homeless.

You’re told that being LGBTQ+ is against your religion

There are many LGBTQ+ people from all religions. But sometimes you might be told that your sexuality or gender identity is against your religion or that it’s a sin. Even when your religion or community doesn’t accept LGBTQ+ people, you can still be who you are and keep your faith.

You might want to share how you're feeling with other young people in similar situations by posting on our message boards.

And don't forget, if you're worried about anything you can get support from our counsellors.

Feel like you just want someone to listen?

There are loads of ways to contact us and you can talk about anything.

Keeping safe

There are times when young people feel unsafe coming out.

It’s never okay for someone to hurt you because of your sexuality or gender identity. Whatever you're going through, you’re not alone.

If you’re worried about your safety now or in the future, it’s important to get help. In an emergency you should always phone 999.

A safety plan is a list of important numbers, people and places to go if anything goes wrong. Having a safety plan can help if you’re worried that you will be hurt because of your sexuality or gender identity.

Make sure a safety plan is written down somewhere you can easily find it. Writing it on paper can help to make sure you’ve got it if your phone battery runs out or you can’t take your phone. Write down:

Important numbers to ring if something goes wrong, including safe adults, the police (101) and Childline (0800 1111)
Places you can go if you’re feeling unsafe, and information on how to get there
Things to take with you if you need to leave quickly, make sure you include things like a phone charger.

If you’re ever worried about your safety or what might happen in the future, Childline can help.

knowing there's
someone
who might be able to
help

Find out more about asking an adult for help

Helping a friend

A friend's problems can sometimes make you unhappy too. But we've got tips on how you can be there for them.