Gender identity

When you’re struggling to understand your gender identity it can be hard to know what to do. You might be feeling pressure to express yourself a certain way or have an answer about your gender identity. It’s okay to take your time and think about what’s right for you.

It’s your choice how you express your gender identity, and you should be able to express yourself in a way that makes you comfortable.

If you’re struggling to know what’s right for you or you’re not sure about how other people might react, it can help to talk about it.

You can talk to Childline about anything that’s happening, and it can help to share your feelings with other young people on the message boards.

If you want to express your gender identity but you’re not sure if you’re ready, take your time. It can help to try:

• expressing how you feel with a drawing or by writing down how you feel
• asking other young people what helped them on the message boards
• distracting yourself or finding ways to cope when things get too much
• trying small steps to express yourself privately or with people you trust
• talking to a Childline counsellor about how you’re feeling.

Remember, how you express your gender identity is up to you and it doesn’t need to follow other people’s expectations or gender roles. You don’t need to change anything if you’re not ready or you don’t feel like you need to.

It can take time to understand your gender identity. You might not know what to do or worry about what it means for the future. No matter how you’re feeling, we’re here to support you.

Coming out means telling people how you feel about your gender. Telling people can help you to be able to express your gender identity. But only you can decide when the right time to do it is.

If you’re not sure how or when to come out, we’ve got lots of advice to help.

If you’re worried about how people might react or your safety at home because of your gender identity, it can help to talk to Childline about it.

Some people can feel pressured to look or dress a certain way. But letting go of that pressure and making a change to what you wear can help you to feel more comfortable.

You might want to change how you look at home first. Or with people you trust. If you want to change your school uniform or how you look at school, it’s important to speak to a teacher you trust for support.

There are lots of ways to express your gender with your appearance. If you’re not sure where to start, you could try changing or cutting your hair, or wearing more gender neutral clothes.

Some young people want to use binders, gaffs of packers to hide feminine or masculine parts of themselves. It’s important to remember that these can sometimes be uncomfortable or dangerous, and that you should speak to a doctor before using them.

Pronouns are the words people use to describe you, for example someone might refer to a person as “she” or “her”.

Some people prefer to use gender neutral pronouns, like:

• They and their
• Ze and zir
• Zey and zem

Asking people to use a different pronoun can be scary sometimes, so it can help to start by telling people you feel comfortable with.

Remember, people might not always remember which pronoun you feel most comfortable with. It can help to think about ways to remind people. If people are forgetting a lot or you think they might be doing it on purpose, you can get support from Childline any time.

Some trans or non-binary people change their name to better reflect their gender. There can be lots to think about if you change your name:

• What feels right for you
  You might want to choose one yourself, or with people you trust like your parents or carers. You might feel comfortable with your current name, or you might want time to decide what’s best.
• Who you share it with
  It can help to start with a small group of people you trust so you can try it out to see how it feels.
• How you want to tell people
  You might want to tell some people yourself or get support from your school or family. Find out more about asking an adult for help.
• Coping if people get it wrong
  It can be upsetting when someone calls you a name you don’t feel comfortable with, but it can help to have a plan of what to say or who to tell if this happens.

If you’re over 16, you have the right to legally change your name. If you’re under 16, you will need your parent or carer’s support.

No one has the right to bully you, abuse you, put you down or discriminate against you. Lots of trans young people experience this. It’s known as transphobia and is never your fault.

Transphobic bullying can include:

• calling you names, using transphobic slurs or hurting you
• refusing to call you by your new name or use your pronouns
• making fun of how you dress or act
• leaving you out of things
• asking you lots of personal or sexual questions
• making jokes about you.

Bullying is never okay, if it’s happening to you we’ve got advice to help.

Lots of young people will go to the doctor to talk about how they feel and get support.

Visiting your doctor doesn’t mean that you have to have medication or treatment. But it can be a good way to get support. Everyone is different and it’s important to think about what makes you feel comfortable and take time to think about your options.

Some people visit the doctor to get support with:

• coping with their feelings
• getting medication to help change how they feel, act or look
• changing how they look
• puberty
• finding ways to cope with their feelings.

Visiting your doctor is confidential, but it’s important to ask if there’s anything they would have to talk to your family about. Your doctor might only be able to support you with your parent or carer’s consent, especially if you’re under 16.

Your doctor might want you to visit a specialist so they can talk to you about how you feel and make an assessment. This can sometimes take a long time, so it’s important to talk about how they can help you cope if you have to wait.

Find out more about specialist services for young people.