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Friendship problems
Friends can be there to enjoy the best, worst, and everything in-between. But if you’re having problems with your friendships then we’ve got advice and tips to help.
Falling out with friends
It’s natural to have arguments sometimes. It can be upsetting when you fall out with someone close to you, but it doesn’t always mean the friendship has to end.
It can take time for things to start to feel better after an argument. You might not be sure how to mend your friendship or even if you want to.
If you’re struggling with what to do, there are a few things you can think about that might help:
Get other perspectives
Speaking to someone outside of the situation can help you to think about things in new ways. They can help if you’re feeling upset or confused and can support you to think about what to do next.
It can help to think about talking to someone who won’t take sides or try to make things worse.
Take some time
Lots of people will say or do things in the heat of the moment that they regret later. It’s okay to take a bit of time before you react to something or wait before deciding what to do.
If you’ve written someone a message after an argument when you’re angry, it might help to wait before deciding to send it.
Think about how your friend is feeling
Try to imagine what things are like from your friend’s side of things. You could ask yourself what you’d be thinking if the situation was reversed or try to understand how they might be feeling right now. Sometimes a friend can be going through things you’re not aware of as well.
It’s not okay for someone to bully, hurt or belittle you, and understanding someone else’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to accept how they treat you.
Saying sorry to a friend
If you’ve done something that’s hurt a friend’s feelings, saying sorry can help make things easier in the future. An apology won’t always fix everything, but it can help people to move on.
Here are a few tips to help make a sincere apology:
- Say that you’re sorry for what you’ve done, even if it wasn’t on purpose
- Take responsibility for your actions without trying to give explanations or excuses
- Acknowledge how the other person was affected and what you’ll do differently in the future
- Respect the other person’s response, even if that means they don’t want the apology
Should I say sorry?
Whether you apologise to someone is always your choice. Sometimes you might feel pressure to say sorry to make a situation go away, even when you don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong.
If you feel like you’re being blamed for something that isn’t your fault, then it can help to get other perspectives. Try to talk to someone you trust about what’s happened to get their perspective.
5 things that make a good friendship
- Caring about each other’s opinions
- Being able to have fun and good times together
- Helping each other when things are tough
- Respecting each other’s needs and boundaries
- Treating each other equally
Dealing with friendship issues
When something happens or changes in a friendship, it can be hard to know what to do. If you’re struggling with something that’s happened, then we’ve got advice to help:
Outgrowing friends
People make lots of different kinds of friends, some will be there for a summer or a class, others will be there your whole life.
It’s natural to have times when you feel like a friendship is finishing or that you’re drifting apart. It’s okay to feel sad or any other feelings when that happens.
There might also be times when you’re feeling like you don’t want a friendship anymore, or that you want to move on but that someone else doesn’t. It’s important to think about the reasons you want to end a friendship, and whether it’s something that would change in the future.
If you are trying to move on from a friendship that isn’t ending, there are things that can help:
- Spending time with other people, or making new friends
- Avoiding making new plans unless they’ve suggested it, and being honest when you’re busy with other things
- Be honest about wanting to move on, without being hurtful
- Get support from people you care about and trust
- Think about ways to make new friends
Friends moving away
Losing a friend because they’re moving away or going to a different school can be tough. You might be feeling sad or angry, or you might be worried about what you’ll do without them.
Coping with the loss of a friend can take time. Here are a few things that can help:
- Keep in contact
Make time to have video chats, send messages and keep up to date on each other’s lives. - Keep memories
Make a memory box with photos or things that remind you of your friend. - Find ways to feel good
Take time to try new things, do activities you enjoy, and keep yourself busy. Use the Calm Zone any time things are feeling overwhelming. - Get support
Speak to someone you trust about how you’re feeling. - Make new friends
It can take time, but you will be able to make new friends in the future. If you’re struggling, we’ve got some tips to help.
Friends fighting
Friends can fall out for all kinds of reasons. It can feel uncomfortable when you’re stuck in the middle or you’re not sure what to do. It’s natural to want to support a friend, but also to feel like you might need to take sides.
Only you can decide what’s best for you, but there are a few things that can help make things easier:
- Try to stay neutral
If neither friend has done anything wrong, then it can be hard when you’re being asked to take sides. It can help to be honest with all of your friends that you want to stay being friends with them, and to say if you’re not going to take sides. - Set your own boundaries
This means you decide what you’re going to be involved with, and what you won’t be. If you don’t want to have conversations about other friends, it’s okay to say that. It’s also okay to say if you don’t want to be a messenger between friends who aren’t talking. - Avoid spreading rumours
Having lots of people know the details of an argument can sometimes make it last longer. It’s okay to want to talk about what’s happening, especially when it’s affecting you, but it can help to think about ways to talk about it without spreading rumours. - Be supportive
Helping someone cope isn’t always the same as taking sides or trying to solve things. Sometimes it can help to spend time doing things you enjoy away from the arguments. - Step away
If an argument is having a big effect on you, it can help to take time away from your friends for yourself. Sometimes that can mean doing things without your friends, or it can be as simple as muting a chat for an hour while you do something else. - Give it time
Arguments are natural in friendships, sometimes the most important thing to help move on is time.
Worrying about a friend
It’s great when you want to be there for a friend, but sometimes it’s hard to know how best to support them.
If you’re worried about a friend, there are a few things you can do:
- Ask if they’re okay
Pick a time that you won’t be disturbed and there aren’t others to listen in, and gently ask your friend if they’re okay. It sometimes help to explain the reason you’re asking. - Take time to listen
It’s natural to want to try and solve someone’s problems, but taking time to listen and show you care can be a massive help on it’s own. Give someone time to talk and ask questions to help them feel able to open up. - Be honest about your worries
If someone has said or done something that’s worried you, being honest about that can help them to open up about it. - Support them to get help
Whether it’s opening up to an adult they trust, going to the GP, or speaking to us, there’s lots of ways to get help. Going with your friend or talking to them about ways to find support can help them to feel less alone. - Tell someone if they’re unsafe
If someone is in danger, being hurt, or you’re worried about them hurting themselves, then it’s important to tell an adult you trust. Telling someone else isn’t about betraying their trust, but it’s about helping them to feel safe. If you’re not sure who to talk to or whether you should, you can always speak to us for advice.
Making friends
There are lots of reasons you might want to make new friends, and we’ve got lots of advice to help:
Having a crush on a friend
Having a crush on your friend might feel exciting or scary. You could be worried about whether they feel the same way, not being out about your sexuality, or how to bring it up.
What you do about your feelings is always up to you, and it should be your choice whether you let someone know if you have feelings for them. There are things that can help:
- Take your time
Think about whether you want a relationship with your friend, or if it’s just that you like them. - Look for signs they feel the same way
This isn’t always easy, but it can help to think about whether they’re clearly interested in other people. - Get a second opinion
Speak to someone you trust for support about how you’re feeling, and what you should do next. - Think about your friendship
Ask yourself how your friend would feel if they knew, and what would happen with the friendship if they did. - Decide if you want to share your feelings
This doesn’t have to be a final decision, but knowing if you do want to then you can think about how, but if you don’t then you can work on moving on. - Work out the best way to talk about it
Think about a time when you can talk openly, what you’d say, and what you’d do if things didn’t go as planned. - Respect your friend
If your friend doesn’t feel the same way, then that’s okay. Remember, it’s never okay to make someone feel pressured or guilty for not sharing your feelings.
If you're struggling with your feelings, you can always talk to us.
Fake friends and bullying
Sometimes it can feel hard to tell whether a friend is just making a joke, or if they’re being fake or even bullying you. If someone is treating you badly and making you feel bad, then that’s not okay.
There are lots of things a friend might do to make you feel bad:
- trying to embarrass you, put you down, or making jokes at your expense
- excluding you or leaving you out of plans or group chats
- pressuring or forcing you to do things you don’t want to do
- hurting you or doing things to you that make you uncomfortable or upset
- anything else that feels targeted to hurt you or make you feel bad.
Someone might do these things without realising, or they may be doing it on purpose. Whatever the reason, you don’t deserve to be treated badly.
What you can do
How you respond is always your choice. If you trust your friend or think it’s not on purpose, then you might want to talk to them directly.
If you’re not sure, it may help to speak to someone outside the friendship or an adult you trust.
It can help to plan how you want to respond if someone starts to treat you badly. That could involve thinking about what you might want to say back, where to go for support if it happens, or ways you could cope afterwards.
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