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To Sam

I lost my virginity and I’m scared to tell my mum

anytime my mum asks if im a virgin i always lie and say i am

my mum is so proud that im a virgin and she praises me. she thinks very highly of me so im scared to tell her because i feel like she will hate me and judge me i cant tell her because i feel like ill disappoint her i only tried to have sex once for about 5 seconds and it was very uncomfortable.

Ask Sam


Hi there,

It should be your choice when you have sex for the first time. It's not okay for anyone to take that choice away from you. If someone’s pressuring you that's not okay and this can be emotional or sexual abuse.

Nobody has the right to make you feel ashamed of your sexuality or your choices. What you do with your body is up to you. Your parents may be trying to help you make the best decision and they may understand that becoming sexually active can be a big change. Although they might have the best intentions, if they try to influence your decision or judge you that's not okay.

It might be good to talk about how you feel with your mum. You don't have to tell her everything but you could ask about her why she feels virginity is important. It may turn out that she’s just worried and doesn't realise that what she’s saying is making you feel bad about yourself. Talking about sex is important and if you communicate better with mum it gives your relationship the best chance of improving.

It is important to think carefully about whether you’re  ready to start having sex and how sex might affect your mental and emotional health. It's also really important to find the right partner - someone you trust.  They should respect you and your boundaries, if you change your mind and say no.

When you do feel ready to have sex it’s important to think about your health. There’s a lot of good information about sexual health from Brook - or you can talk to one of our counsellors about it.

Thanks for your letter and I hope this has helped.

Take care,


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