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To Sam

I can’t remember giving consent

me and around 7 other mates, 3 girls and about 4 lads got together for a small inner circle party, i was staying at my mates and i wasnt going to go they asked me to join so i did, i wasnt too close with alot of people there but we were all chill. there was around 3 bottles of vodka and 1 bottle of malaboo. we started taking shots and soon enough everyone was a bit drunk, this started at aroumd 2pm, i said that i wasnt really into any of the lads and didnt want to do anything with any of them. then everything just kinda went black and all of a sudden i just find myself in this lads bed having sex with him and i was so drunk i didnt know what i was doing, later on when i sobered up i relized that i had lost my virginity and i cant remember it at all but he said that he could remember everything. i started crying and having a melt down because if i was sober i woild have never of done it. were both 13 so its not like we were even old enough to have sex or drink, he told me that it wasnt protected and now im terrified. i cant remember giving consent and i cant remember if there is even a chance i could get pregnant. it hasnt got off my mind and im so scared

Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there

When someone says that they want to have sex then this is called giving consent. To give consent means saying you agree to what’s about to happen. If someone is drunk or passed out, they can’t give consent. Rape or sexual assault is when someone has sex with you when you don’t want them to or when you haven’t said that it’s okay.

When you’ve been sexually assaulted you could be feeling all kinds of confusing emotions. It may be difficult to think about anything else and might affect things such as eating and sleeping. It’s really important to take extra steps to look after yourself during this time.

You are not always able to fully consent to sex when you have taken alcohol or drugs. Anyone who has sex with you without your consent has sexually assaulted you and you can report the assault to the police. Deciding what to do next can be really difficult so talking to a trusted adult might help. It might be tempting to try and keep this a secret because you were drinking underage, but your wellbeing is more important than that.

There is a risk of pregnancy and also of sexually transmitted disease if this person didn’t use a condom. It’s best to get both of these checked and you can look for local services through the NHS– some of which will be just for young people. You can also get free advice and support from Brook.

Alcohol does make it harder to make decisions and stay in control of your surroundings, but that doesn’t make what happened your fault. No matter how much you drank, nobody has the right to have sex with you without your consent.

The law does say you need to be 18 to drink alcohol and this is because it can have a bigger effect on your body when you are younger. When your friends are drinking it can be hard to say no to alcohol and you may feel pressurised to join in. Learning to be assertive can help you to make decisions that are best for you and to keep yourself safe. Remember that it may be easier to leave a situation where everyone is drinking than to stay and not drink.

It can help to talk to a Counsellor at Childline about how you are feeling and what choices you have now about getting support. You can contact by phone, online chat or by sending an email.

Take care,

Sam

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