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Suicidal thoughts and self harm

I am 15 years old. Lately for the past few months I have been really depressed . I am in year 11 and instead of revising and studying I am crying, self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. I have a lot of problems to do wilth health, school, bullying, arguments and everyday i always have to put a fake smile on my face when I go to school, this is so no one knows how i really feel, i am scared to show emotions. My friends always ask me how come i am always happy.. i just wish i could scream at them and tell them the truth. I have cut before and have had a lot of suicidal thoughts but have no idea on how to deal with them. I had looked up websites about suicide and the more i read about it, the more i got depressed because of thing like if you commit suicide you will not be only hurting yourself, you will also be hurting your family and friends. Well, I took a depression test online and the results were 52% - medium/severe depression. Please help me, I have no idea on what i should do..
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Sam

Hi there,

Thanks for your message – I’m glad you decided to write to me because I can hear how difficult you’re finding things at the moment and these feelings are not something you have to cope with on your own.

You’ve said that you’ve been feeling really depressed and it sounds like those feelings have had a knock-on effect to other areas in your life such as school. Studying for exams can be difficult at the best of times but it is even harder when you’re not feeling 100%.  You mention that you have taken an online test for depression and it is really important for me to tell you that the only reliable diagnosis and treatment for any medical condition, including depression, can come from a health professional like a doctor or nurse. There are a lot of online tests for depression out there and sometimes it can seem easier to go through something like this as we do not have to make an appointment or to face anyone to tell them how we are feeling. It can take courage to go to a doctor but people like that are best placed to help you, and you have already shown great courage in writing to me about this.

It also sounds like the feeling of depression has got to the point where you are feeling like you want to die. I do not believe that suicide is the answer and I am glad that you are able to write about this. Whilst you’re feeling this way it’s important to make sure that you are staying safe and the best way to do that is to tell someone you trust that you’ve been feeling this way. You can also visit our page on coping with suicidal feelings.

You’ve described how you put on this fake front so that people think you are happy – that sounds like a difficult thing to have to keep up all of the time. It actually sounds exhausting. It could be worth thinking about what it would be like if you didn’t have to pretend all the time – try and picture that and see how it would feel to be able to be open and not have to think about how you appear to others.

ChildLine are here for you. Perhaps you can come and have an online chat or call us free on 0800 1111. We are available for you whenever you need us – you don’t have to go through this on your own. Together, ChildLine can help you work out what the next steps for you might be. You could also have a look at the message boards where you can get support from other young people who may be feeling the same way.

Take care

Sam

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