I struggle with a weird type of grief. My mum disappeared one and a half years ago and nobody has found her since. I don't know where she is. I keep hoping that she has left for another country, changed her identity or something and that's why she hasn't been found. Sadly I know it is much more likely that she has died and nobody has found the body. It is a really scary thought. I struggle to grief for her as there is no closure. I can't say 100% if she is dead or not. I have been in foster care since she disappeared, which is weird because they feel like strangers, even after all this time. I had to move school as well. Everything changed and I just want things to go back to normal. I keep hoping she will turn up one day, and I keep dreading that the police will tell me she has died.
Sam
Hi there,
Trying to grieve or move on without being given closure can feel impossible at times. It’s natural to feel stuck, hoping for more news while feeling scared at the same time. You’re not alone with how you’re feeling, it’s natural to need support.
Feeling grief without knowing what’s happened is sometimes called an ambiguous loss. There’s no right or wrong way to feel about the loss you’re experiencing, it can feel more complicated when you’re also trying to cope with changes around you as well. It’s okay to need time, space, and support.
Try to think about the small things that might make each day easier. Building trust can take time, but taking small steps to open up to your foster family or adults in your new school can help you feel less alone. Building connections with the people around you doesn’t mean you have to let go of your mum, but it can help you feel less isolated.
Whether you feel safe to share things with people around you or not, you can also get support with us. Childline counsellors can give you a space to share how you’re feeling without pressure or judgement. We’ve got tools where you can write about your mum, and you can contact us online or on the phone.
There will be times when you’re reminded of your mum or you’re missing her more than others. It’s okay to acknowledge and plan for those times. For example, you could plan what you’d like to do on Mother’s Day or during holidays. You could also try making a memory box to help remind yourself of your mum. We’ve got lots of tools and ideas you can use when times are feeling tough.
Make sure you take time each day to focus on taking care of yourself. This can mean making sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating, and exercising. It also means doing things that can help you feel good or productive. Whether it’s through doing things you enjoy, surrounding yourself with people, or finding the right distraction, keeping a routine can help.
Nobody can promise that you’ll feel closure around what’s happened, but it is possible to hold onto your mum while finding ways to cope and move forward. Childline is here to help you with that.
Take care,
Sam
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