Ask Sam letter

Asker

To Sam

Toxic Friends

Hi Sam,

Lately I have been dealing with a lot. I have three close friends which I love and care for so much but I am not getting the care and love back. I support them in every situation I have but whenever I need help or support its like they are not there.

They seem to point out my insecurities, meet up without me, talk about me thinking I don't know, lie to me and so much more. Recently we have gotten into so many arguments. I was feeling left out so I decided to send one of them a message saying how I felt, unexpectedly she turned the situation around making it seem like I was in the wrong and I ended up apologizing for my feelings.

Ever since that we have had a lot of petty arguments which always is them bringing up a minor thing like apparently I have been hitting her on the arm which is a complete lie or she said I've been 'shadowing her'. She's also said I've told someone she didn't like a certain singer because she told me she didn't but them got angry at me because she said she never said that and I always end up apologising. Its like they bring up little unimportant detail and somehow make an argument out of it. Like they are begging for an excuse not to be friends.

They are the only friends I have and there isn't even a chance I can make new friends because its too late in the school year, everyone has there own groups. Are they toxic? Or am I being dramatic?

I cry everyday now, its like I don't want to die but I just want to disappear. Skip to the part of my life where everything is okay. Everything is better.

Thank you for reading and I hope you can write back and help me.

Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there,

Friendships should be a positive thing in your life, not a negative one. No friendship is perfect and there will always be disagreements from time to time, but they shouldn't be mean or nasty all of the time. Some friends can become toxic if they’re bullying you, putting you down or trying to control you.

We talk about a lot unhealthy relationships  when it comes to boyfriends and girlfriends, but a friendship is a relationship as well. The people who we trust and rely on to be our friends shouldn’t make us feel bad about ourselves. Friends care about each other and while it might not always be said in words, their actions should make that clear.

Your friends are putting you down, making you feel insecure, excluding you and talking behind your back - these are all things we would normally think of as bullying. Sometimes friends might say things as a joke which are hurtful but should stop when you tell them you don't like it. If someone carries on or tries to make you feel like you're at fault, then it's bullying and not friendship.

You deserve to have friends that care about you and who make you feel good instead of insecure. Remember that it's a privilege to be your friend. You might find reminding yourself that you have value can make it easier to have the courage to decide what to do next. You may stand up to your friends and tell them that what's been happening is not okay - or you may decide to find new friends.

Making new friends isn’t always easy, and it can be scary to think about. A good way of meeting new people is to start doing new things. Think of hobbies you've always wanted to learn, or sports that you want to play – and try them out. Friends come naturally and can't be forced, but sharing something you enjoy with someone else is a great place to start.

I hope this has helped, thanks for sharing. If you ever want to talk more, Childline counsellors are always here to listen.

Sam

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small.

Write me a letter