Ask Sam letter


To Sam

im bisexual... help?

hi sam,
im obviously anoymonous that is why i am even writing about this online.. im new to all of this childline thing and this is my first letter. wether you reply or not.. here goes..
im a 14 year old girl and recently i found out im bisexual.. i still prefer guys but since i was 11 i have had feelings for girls but i was never open minded about them. i found it abnormal and couldnt accept it to myself, nevermind tell everyone else about these feelings.
the only reason i finally accepted to myself that i was bisexual was that i started feeling for girls a lot more. my feelings grew stronger. iv had a crush on this guy for a LONGGG time. (its a bit depressing because hes my best friend and came out to me as gay..) but i also started developing a female crush a few weeks back.
although i have accepted my feelings now, i still find it as not normal.. yet i dont think anyone does in societys mind. everyone is grown up by their parents with an image of being in a straight relationship and not even having conversations about possibly the same sex, wether the parent realises it or not.
i feel different to everyone else.. although everyone doesnt even know, i feel like an outcast... i see people getting into relationships of the opposite sex but i cant even get a relationship with anyone. its harder to even think about one with a girl if no one knows im bisexual. the only people i have told is my 4 best friends.. one of which is gay, another lesbian, and the other 2 bi-curious. so we obviously have no problems in discussing these things.. but i would prefer to get a strangers views on all of this.
my mum wont mind me being bisexual.. shes actually really accepting of it. but i dont feel comfortable in telling her. will i ever have to tell her?
i definitely wont tell my dad... for a start i really hate him for personal reasons. but secondly, he already, i guess you could say bullys me, for being left handed. he doesnt like people being 'different'.. you have to meet his standards or he will judge you. i dont even see why im worried about his thoughts considering i dont want him in my life.
if i come out (which im far from comfortable with yet).. im scared i will be judged.. i see it happen a lot. i see plenty of hate over the internet. the girls will start getting.. well. like a female dog (if you know what i mean) in the changing rooms which will make everything so difficult.. people will ask "well which are you? you cant like both".. they will ask if im sure.. they will question me lots of times.. they will judge me everytime i walk past them in the corridor.. some people at least will be un accepting.. i feel pressurised to choose a gender because people say that bisexuals are just greedy by getting with both sexs...
i tried to get as much of my feelings as i could explain into that.. if you read i hope you will be able to reply.. i appologise for it being soooo long. im kinda known for writing essays XD but thank you for being here to write to :) xx
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thank you for your letter and well done for writing in to get some support.
It sounds like maybe you’'ve been having some questions around your sexuality for several years and you''’re now feeling surer that you are bisexual.

The years after you hit puberty can be a time when you start to understand more about yourself and your identity. It can also be a confusing time, with some new feelings you'’ve never had before and working out what it all means.

You say that you’'ve accepted your feelings now, but you didn'’t think it was normal. You also seem to feel that society sees it as abnormal. I understand that it can be difficult feeling like you’'re different from the norm in some way.

I know there is a lot of focus in films, TV, books and magazines around heterosexual ('straight') relationships. It’s also often assumed that you must see yourself as straight, unless you say otherwise. I know it can be difficult to step away from all that and think about how you actually see yourself.

Sometimes it’s helpful to remember that everyone has things about them that make them different in some ways from others. We’'re all individuals and deserve to be respected equally. It’'s perfectly okay and normal to be bi, gay, lesbian or straight.

I’m pleased to hear that you think that your mum would be accepting if you did let her know that you’'re bisexual. I imagine that’'s nice for you to know, although it’'s completely up to you if or when you tell people about your sexuality.

I can hear too that you'’re not feeling comfortable with telling your mum at the moment and that you definitely do not want to tell your dad, in case he bullies or judges you. I am concerned that your dad bullies you already - this is something you could get support with from Childline, when you're ready.

Sometimes when people are starting to think about having conversations about coming out, they think about who they trust to share things with and how much they would like to tell them. It also helps to think about when and where it might be to tell them. Often people start with telling friends they feel will be accepting and it sounds like that's something you’'ve done already.

You shouldn'’t feel pressured into having to choose a gender, being bisexual doesn’t make you "greedy" in any way. It doesn’t mean that for instance you fancy everyone you meet. Even if you'’re attracted to people from both genders, you'’ll still only find some of the people you come across attractive and only have an interest in wanting to date a few of them.

I understand this all may be a lot for you to think about and I want you to know that there is always someone for you to speak to at Childline either by calling on 0800 1111 (all calls are free and don’t show up on the bill) or by using our 1-2-1 chat.

You may also like to take a look at our pages on Sexual identity and the message board posts from other young people around sexuality. These young people may have some similar things on their mind. Another organisation that also supports lesbian, gay and bisexual young people is Young Stonewall.

Take care,

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.

Write me a letter