Ask Sam letter


To Sam


Im sorry if this is bothering you but I have been really confused about this recently. In early november I started to have feelings towards a person. Im still confused on what those feelings are, and its really upsetting me. This person has now told me they have had a crush on me since around november. This person is also asexual and genderqueer, so its very confusing. I think I am bisexual with preferance to women, and this makes me upset because the person in question now prefers male pronouns instead of female, but I still find them attractive in a more feminine way.
The person knows I am conflicted about my feelings, and excepts them, but I feel bad keeping them waiting for an awnser.
The reason I am confused is this: I feel calm around them, only sometimes excited, but I enjoy hugs and I really like there personality and they are really cute. I also think about them alot. I cant see myself kissing them though, I dont know wether I would enjoy it. They want to go out with me and I feel bad making them wait for my awnser.
Everyone says you feel nervous and shy around your crush, but I dont.
I have tried talking to my freinds about it, and my parents arent very accepting of my sexuality, so I cant talk to them. Everyone says I seem really happy and in love around them, but I personally feel scared and worried
Again, I am sorry to bother you, you probably get questions like this alot. Thank you anyway.
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me – you’re not bothering me at all! I love to hear from everyone who writes and just wish I had time to reply to more letters.

When I was reading your letter, I was reminded of how complex sexuality and gender can be. Society tends to need people to put a label on themselves or stick to set definitions. I can hear that both you and the person you are talking about have really thought about that and you are finding your own way. That takes a lot of courage.

I can hear that it’s difficult for you to feel attracted to someone who’s more comfortable with male pronouns at the moment. It seems like you were ready to be in a relationship with another female. However, you’ve said that this person has feminine qualities that you’re attracted to. It is worth thinking about whether the pronouns change that.

At the beginning of your letter you said that this other person is asexual and genderqueer. To me, ‘asexual’ means someone who doesn’t have sexual feelings for anyone of any gender. But people can have different understandings of the same word. So what I don’t know is what that word means for the person in your life.

You’ve said that you’re not sure how you feel about them and that you enjoy their company and hugs. This person’s definition of asexuality might be that they don’t have sexual feelings. If that’s the case then the hugs, affection and companionship might be perfect. So it makes it really important to understand what you both want from your friendship or relationship. It's also important that you feel okay about communicating that– but you seem to be doing a really good job of that so far!

Lots of young people write to me about their confusion about their feelings for another person. It might be that the only way to know for sure is to give it a go – if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. When people write to me about successful relationships, they all have the same things in common; respect, compassion and good communication.

We have some more information about relationships, sexual identity and about transgender issues - I hope you find these pages useful.  

I hope that whatever you decide brings you happiness.

Take care,

P.S Did you see that Facebook recently changed their site to give people the option to customise their gender status? It also allows people to choose the pronouns they want to be referred to as (he/she/they etc.)  Hopefully others will start to recognise gender in the same way soon!

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