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Left my abusive mum but now miss her...

Myself and my brother were moved out of our Mums to our Dads after we were put on a child protection plan from social services. My Mum and i would argue and then her boyfriend would run upstairs and strangle me, once he did it with only me in the house i thought i was going to die and by my neck pushed me out the door i ran to a neighbours called the police they sent an ambulance to have me checked over. When my mum came home she saw the ambulance but didnt care.

He was given a restraining order and in the end he denyed it but admited to spitting at my face and was given a caution and convicted for assault. My Mum never believed me at all. She would ignore me completely for weeks at end and i used to run away and have suicidal thoughts. She used to be abusive to me too but i dismissed it because i love her and dont want her to get in trouble, Anyway i'm coping but now at my Dad's with my final year of school all mucked up because of moving i feel like i should never have said anything...My mum phones and says things like 'well you might be given dirty looks when you do something wrong like what you've done' and 'your not ready to see your brothers yet' and she's still with her boyfriend and went on holiday with them the week after we left. I try to be strong and mature for my brother but i miss the nice her. I also miss my two half brothers and she's not going to let us see them because of what happened. She makes me feel like i have betrayed her, when im away from her i know shes a liar and what happened she shouldnt have let happen but when i talk to her i just want to be back to normal and for her to like me also so we can see our little brothers who we miss SO much. Been an emotional few months...Please help me...i would love for her to atleast acknowledge what happened to me was wrong and to appolgise. :'( 

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Sam

Hi there,

Thank you for your letter and well done for writing to me. It sounds like there have been a lot of really difficult things going on for you over the past few months.

It seems like you know that it was wrong for both your mum and your mum’s boyfriend to be abusive towards you, it sounds like an incredibly frightening and upsetting time for you. I’m concerned to hear that sometimes you felt so low you were having suicidal thoughts and thinking about running away. I think that you’ve been really brave to have spoken to the police and social services about it, so that they’re able to take steps to keep both you and your brother safe.

You say that your mum makes you feel like you’ve betrayed her and it sounds like it’s easier for you to see that’s not true when you’re not around her. It is very much your mum who is in the wrong here, not you. It certainly wasn’t ok that she has been hurting you herself. As a parent she also has a responsibility to keep you safe from being harmed by her boyfriend.

When your mum says nasty things to you and tries to make you feel bad, that is actually a form of emotional abuse. It definitely is not ok for her to act like this. You might find it helpful to read more about emotional abuse in the Explore section.

I can hear that, despite what has happened, you still love your mum, even though she is still being so unkind towards you and stopping you from seeing your half-brothers. It seems like you have some memories of a time that she was nicer towards you and I imagine that makes it harder to accept the way she is now. It’s not unusual to have really mixed feelings when a parent or someone else close is treating you badly. Sometimes when people have lots of mixed emotions it can be really helpful to talk. It can help to get it out, try to understand some of those feelings more and find ways to cope.

I’m not sure whether you have people in your life who you can talk to more about things - people like your dad, other family members, social worker, a teacher or even a school counsellor. There is always a counsellor who you can speak to at ChildLine. If you wanted to, you could call 0800 1111 (all calls are free and the number doesn't show up on phone bills, including mobiles). You can also log on for a 1-2-1 chat which works like instant messenger.

Take care,

Sam

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