Recently I have been thinking a lot about my family relationships. Both my parents are still together. I have an older sister too. The difference is that my sister is my dad's biological daughter and I am not. This is because between the time of having my sister and having me, my dad found out he could no longer have children, so my mum used a sperm donor. It didn't really bother me growing up. I always knew that was how I was conceived and my family never treated me any differently. I also know my parents wanted me.
But recently I've been having doubts. I sometimes wonder if my dad secretly likes me less, or feels more connected to my sister because she's his flesh and blood. I also wonder if that's how other family members think too.
I have also been curious about my donor. I cannot find out who he is until I turn 18, and I am getting impatient. If this man is the reason for my existence, I desperately want to find out more about him and get to know him, but the thought is also a bit scary for a lot of reasons. It just feels like there's an empty space in my life. I, of course, love my dad just as much as I would if he was biologically related, but that doesn't change the fact I want to know more about my heritage, but I also don't want to hurt my dad's feelings by telling him this.
Is this normal? I don't know anyone else who was conceived from a donor, and it isn't something that's talked about a lot. I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I think I want to find out who my donor is and meet him as soon as I turn 18 (a few more years), sometimes I find the thought terrifying. Normally I feel wanted, sometimes I worry I am unwanted. It's just such a confusing and complicated world.
Sam
Hi there,
Lots of young people have mixed feelings about being donor-conceived, especially as you start to think more about your identity and family relationships. A lot of young people go through phases of questioning who they are and where they come from, even if their families have always been loving and supportive. What you’re feeling isn’t unusual, and you’re not alone in thinking about these things.
Being conceived using a sperm donor can bring up all sorts of thoughts and questions around your identity, heritage, and belonging. Sometimes people feel unsure about whether it impacts their place in their family or worry how others see them. Having these thoughts doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it’s just part of working out what it all means to you.
It's okay to feel curious, or even impatient, about your donor. Wanting to know more about where you come from doesn’t mean you love your family any less. It can be helpful to talk about this curiosity with someone you trust. If you feel comfortable, you can also share how you’re feeling with your parents. They’re there to support you and can help when you’re worried about how your dad sees you.
Remember it’s okay to take your time figuring out how you feel. You don’t have to have all the answers now, and how you feel might change over time. If you want to talk things through privately or you’re worried about talking to your parents, you can get support from a Childline counsellor. They’re there for you whenever you need.
If you decide to find out more about your donor when you’re old enough, it’s really important to go through the right services. If you were conceived through a licensed fertility clinic in the UK, you can contact the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA).
The HFEA have a process that protects your rights and privacy. They can guide you through getting any information that’s available, including identifying details, if the donor has agreed to this. It’s important to think about what support you might need in your life before you start this process. Finding out new information about your donor can bring up lots of feelings, having the right support can make it easier.
Take care,
Sam
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