For some time, Ive had a very difficult relationship with my mum. If its any help, Im a girl, sixteen years old (seventeen in April), an only child, and currently attending sixth-form college. Now, I do love my mum, and I know she loves me, but recently, Ive started wondering if I actually like her. I know she had the same problem with her own mother.
The main problem is that she constantly needlessly criticises those around her but cant handle criticism herself. And this isnt gentle teasing, eitherits just plain old-fashioned nastiness. It really does bother me, especially when its me or my dad shes talking about; I have no idea whether she talks about me behind my back, but given that she talks about my dad behind his back quite freely, it does make me wonder, and I cant help feeling its a little twisted that I feel as if I cant trust my own mother not to do that.
But this is the thing: every time, every single bloody time I so much as try to confront her about it, she immediately makes me feel as if Im the one whos done something wrong! She always has to be right, at any and all costs, even if she reduces me to tears in the process (and thats something thats happened a few times before).
Its gotten to a point where I feel like I cant talk to her about anything. Twice this week shes already made me cry, then brushed it off, and both of those times I had gone to her for support or comfort. Im frustrated, angry and just plain lost. I have no idea what to do. Please, please help.
Sam
Hi there,
Thank you for your letter and for telling me about your relationship with your mum. Whilst I was reading, I really got a sense of the hurt you feel because of the way that your mum behaves and treats you.
I often hear from young people who experience criticism and nastiness from a parent and this is something that could be considered emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is when an adult mistreats a young person in a way that can make them feel worthless, unloved or inadequate. Emotional abuse can also make someone feel valued only if they do what the other person (in your case, your mum) wants. It can also include making fun or teasing and I know that this is something that youve mentioned in your letter.
Though you havent told me the kinds of things that your mum teases you about, whats important is how the teasing makes you feel. If you are hurt or upset by it, then its not okay. I can also hear that youre aware that your mum talks about your dad behind his back and that this makes you wonder what she could be saying about you. This could also count as emotional abuse as it makes you worry about what other people will hear and how theyll think about you.
It sounds as though your mum often isnt able to put your thoughts and feelings first. Youve spoken about times when youve tried to talk to her about the affect her behaviour has had and this has resulted in her reducing you to tears. Realising that a parent or carer isnt valuing your feelings can be really upsetting. However, its important to remember that this isnt happening because youve done something wrong. Youve said that your mums relationship with her own mother was also difficult. Perhaps this has affected her behaviour as shes become a mother herself.
Its important to say that not everyone who is treated badly as a child goes on to treat others badly when they become adults. However, its possible that your mums experience has affected the type of parent she is. Coming to terms with not having the sort of relationship that youd like with a parent can be really tough. In some ways it can be like a type of grief grief for the parent or the relationship you wish youd had.
Youve mentioned your dad and that your mum speaks badly about him. What I dont know is how you get on with him and whether he supports you at all with the situation? I also dont know whether things have always been this way between you and your mum or if your relationship has changed over time?
I can hear that youd really like some help. Its difficult to give you specific advice about your options without knowing some more about your situation. So I think you'd find it really helpful to give a ChildLine counsellor a call on 0800 1111. You can also speak to a counsellor via 1-2-1 chat. Theyd be able to talk about how this situation has affected you and what support might be available to you and help you to decide what youd like to happen next.
Theres also an organisation called Relate who support young people with the relationships in their lives which you might find useful.
Take care,
Sam
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