Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. 

You sound as though you’re having a difficult time and I can hear that you feel worried about how sex with your boyfriend left you feeling. It’s really important to only have sex when you feel ready. Having sex before you feel the time is right for you can stop you enjoying it.

I noticed that you said that your boyfriend didn’t force you to have sex but I get the sense that you felt under pressure to do it. It’s never okay for somebody to make you feel as though you don’t have a choice. You have the right to decide what feels comfortable for you. Feeling under pressure like this could be a type of relationship abuse.

From what you explained, seeing porn at an early age and becoming addicted to it has affected your views on what sex means. Sex means different things to each person. It’s okay to make your own mind up about what it means to you. At the same time it sounds as though you would like sex to be something that you can enjoy and choose to do when you feel you want to.

Watching porn can mean that people get some unrealistic ideas about what sex should be like. Any sexual activity should take place with the consent of both parties. This means that both people want to have sex and nobody is pressured or forced into it.

Sex and sexual relationships are often portrayed in a way that is unrealistic and sometimes even violent. The sex shown in porn is exaggerated and it doesn’t reflect what people in relationships choose to do. It’s a good idea to talk it through with your partner before having sex so that each of you knows how the other person would like it to be.

Remember that just because you had sex with your boyfriend once does not mean that you have to do it again. Your body belongs to you and if you don’t want to have sex, your boyfriend has a responsibility to listen and respect what you say. It doesn’t seem as though you’ve seen him since this happened and I wonder whether this experience has left you with questions about your relationship with him. 

You explained that when you had sex with a girl it was fun and part of you experimenting. It might help to have a think about what made that experience more enjoyable than the recent experience of sex with your boyfriend. You also mentioned that you were 11 or 12 when this happened. You don’t tell me how old you are now but you might find this page with information on sex, relationships and consent useful. If it's something you wanted to explore more, you could also check out our page on sexual orientation.  

I can tell that you regret having sex with your boyfriend and you sound as though you’re feeling bad about yourself. You sound angry at yourself and it doesn’t seem like you’re sure why you feel this way. I can’t say for certain what’s making you feel like this but it might help for you to think about what you’d say to a friend if they were in your situation. You deserve support in dealing with these feelings. If you’d like to talk about it with somebody, you can speak to a ChildLine counsellor on 0800 1111, by email or on a 1-2-1 chat at any time.

Thanks again for taking the time to write to me about this. 

Take care,
Sam