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taking care of my friends | Ask Sam

hi sam

i've got two really lovely friends who i'm super worried about. we're all heading into gcse year and they both seem really stressed even though they get really good grades and are both super smart. i've tried to bring up my feelings and worries to them before, but i always end up being the one who has to listen to their problems and take care of them. i've made it part of my routine to always look out for them, ask if they're ok, try and make them smile/laugh & just generally look after them, but the further we go into the year the less stuff seems to be working.

i really want to be a good friend, and i feel like i'm not doing my job as a friend very well if i can't cheer them up or make them happy, but i also feel so drained having to think about their wellbeing so much, and it means i can barely look after myself. on top of this all, i have to do my studies and my extracurriculars, and it feels like such a heavy weight to carry, even though both my friends do more clubs and get more homework than me so i feel like i can't complain to them because they have it worse.

i don't know what else to do to make them happy and they don't want to talk to adults about it, so i feel like it's all on me to solve their problems, but every time i try and give them advice it just feels like i'm annoying them (and i get it, sometimes emotional teens don't like being told what to do). i'm just worried that i'll end up messing up and we won't be very good friends anymore.

if you have any advice that'd be awesome <3

Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there,

It’s natural that you want to be there for your friends. It can help to remember that being a good friend doesn’t always mean having to cheer someone up. You don’t always have to be the person helping.

Sometimes offering help to someone else can feel easier than asking for it yourself. You might be worried about putting pressure on your friends or feel like they might not be there for you. It can help to remember that sharing how you’re feeling can actually help both you and your friends. It can give you a chance to take a break from looking after people and helps your friends see that they’re not the only ones.

Talking about yourself can feel difficult sometimes, but there are ways to do it. It can be as simple as saying, “I know how you feel, I’ve been going through something similar. Do you mind if I tell you about it?” Remember, sharing how you’re feeling doesn’t mean you’ll make them feel worse.

Lots of the time, it can feel like a lot of pressure to solve a problem or make someone feel happy. Being a good listener doesn’t actually need you to solve anything, though. Just showing someone you’re there can help in lots of different ways.

The next time you’re feeling pressure to come up with a solution, instead just try to focus on giving them time to talk and asking gentle questions about what’s happening. If you feel like someone needs a solution, it can help to ask, “what do you think you’d like to do?”

It can also help to check what someone else wants. For example you could say, “I think I might have some ideas that can help, do you want me to share them, or just talk for now?” Remember, people might not always want to be cheered up when they’re feeling down or stressed. Sometimes it can be helpful to just feel how you’re feeling and know you’re not alone.

Whatever’s happening with your friends, how you’re feeling matters. It’s important to make time to take care of yourself, even if that means saying that you can’t talk right now. If your friends make a choice not to talk to other people then that’s okay, but you can’t take the place of a professional or adult in someone’s life. Sometimes taking time for yourself can help motivate others to get the right support.

Whether you speak to your friends or not, we’re here to support you. The message boards are a safe space to get help from other young people without feeling pressured. You can also get support from a Childline counsellor any time, even when it’s about your friends.

Take care,

Sam

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