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To Sam

Is it wrong?

I know you will probably be responding to more important emails, but.. Im 14, and about a year and a half ago i started going out with this guy.. he was amazing, and i don't know what falling in love feels like but i thought i was in love. And he told me he was too. But we had a nasty break-up and i was devasted - i felt so broken. We had been together for almost 10 months, I felt at times he did use me to get some action, but then he would tell me he loved me, so i believed him.
After we broke up, we still spoke loads.. he told me he still loved me, but just had to get out of the relationship. That hurt, and i didn't understand it.. but i still loved him, so, so much. We became like best friends, with feelings for each other.. And then he started asking me to take pictures of myself, telling me he'd missed my body and stuff, he would randomly send me pictures and he'd make me feel guilty because i hadn't given him anything in return, he'd tell me to take my clothes off on webcam and he'd do his. I was so confused, i loved the fact he was talking to me.. but i didn't like what he was doing. He'd changed, but i tried to remember the old him.. so i did as i was told. He told me we were ''sext buddies'' and i felt so used and hurt..
Is it wrong for him to be doing this? or him to have this control over me? I still love him, and i don't want to lose him. But i don't like being used, its not fair.
Sorry its so long xx
Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there

I think it’s really important that you have been able to contact me about what’s worrying you, and just to reassure you that what you want to talk about is important.
It seems that your ex-boyfriend has behaved really badly towards you which is leaving you feeling used and controlled. Firstly, by making you feel so broken and devastated by leaving the relationship without a proper explanation, one that might have helped you put everything in perspective, and secondly by continuing with what seems to be quite a manipulative relationship on his behalf.

You mention that even during the relationship you did feel a bit used at the times. Part of how he did this was by telling you that he loved you. Understandably you believed him since you really loved him as well.

From what you’ve talked about, and I think you have been very brave and strong to do so, it would seem that this guy is sexually abusing you. Also, because of your age it can be described as child abuse no matter how old he is, and this is how it would be viewed if you felt you wanted to take it further at any time. What he’s doing is very wrong and I expect he knows that too.

You have the right to feel good about yourself and not to be exploited in any way by anyone, and this is precisely what he’s doing. Telling you that you are ‘sext buddies’ is not acceptable and it’s not the basis of any friendship, let alone a relationship.

There are also important things for you to think about when using a webcam, for instance who else may have access to this? It is also illegal for him, or anyone, to send explicit pictures via the web and there can be penalties if this is discovered.

It sounds like you have been left feeling hurt and confused about relationships and being able to say what you want or don’t want when it comes to sex. I think it would be good for you to come through for a chat to one of the ChildLine counsellors on the phone, or even online if you don’t feel ready to talk yet. You can get some help and support with this for yourself. You may also find some interesting information on our website around sexting, sexual abuse, and relationships which may help you.

If you think this would be helpful you can contact ChildLine on 0800 1111 anytime, or by logging on to the website for an online 1-2-1 chat (which is like MSN).

You’ve taken a positive step in writing to me about this for the first time, and I really hope you can take another step to talk to a ChildLine counsellor in confidence. They can help you talk about how you feel, look at what you want to do and get the support you need.

Best wishes,

Sam

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