Ask Sam letter


To Sam


Hello..I just wanted to ask if you say no to sex and try to get your partner off you,is that still rape even though you are together?
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for getting in touch and asking such an important question.

If you say 'no' to sex with someone, it is always wrong for them to still have sex with you. It is rape if someone forces you to have sex with them, even if they are your partner.

It's wrong for someone to touch you or make you touch them in a sexual way if you don’t want to. It is also wrong for anyone to try and say things that make you feel under pressure to agree to have sex. You can read more about unacceptable ways to be treated by a partner on our relationship abuse page. It's also important that you keep yourself safe and stay away from this person.

If you have been forced to have sex with someone, it's never your fault. It is good to try and talk about what has happened to get medical advice and to stop it happening again - but it should be your choice whether you feel ready to do this.

You can read more about ways to report what has happened. I understand that people can feel nervous about talking about things like this and you have already taken a brave and important step by writing to me. If you feel like you could speak to a ChildLine counsellor they could support you and will keep what you tell them confidential. The confidentiality promise explains times when they may have to tell someone else.

Maybe you could also think about how it would feel to talk to an adult who you trust.

If you have any other questions about this, you could talk to a ChildLine counsellor on the phone, online, or by sending an email. You may also be able to find out more about what other young people have done to cope with similar things by reading the Sexual abuse message boards.

Thanks again for writing to me about this. Please remember that if you would like to say more about what caused you to think about this question, you can speak to a ChildLine counsellor at any time.

Take care,

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

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