Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Is my friend being controlled?

Is my friend being controlled. Shes never had really any luck with relationships, she was in a relationship with a girl at one point but that ended due to bullying but their still friends.She really had no interest in boys and belived she was lesbian. She used to get really depressed with the bullying. (this was back when she was 15 shes 17 now) and this boy came along, eventually they were in a relationship. He was very controlling agaisnt her and wouldn't let her go out or have any friends..the relationship ended when he cheated on her. A year later she started going out with a boy called c*. They've been together for a year, I've never seen her so happy..but she gets really upset sometimes when he checks her messages, or tells her not to hang around with other guys.. He tells her he says that since hes worried about her.. even though he's never layed a finger on her he kinda sometimes hurts her emotionally.
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for your letter.

It sounds like you are really worried about your friend and it could have taken a lot of courage to write your letter.

From what you have said, she has had some difficult relationships in the past. You have told me about her being bullied and being controlled by a boyfriend. It could have been hard for you to see your friend go through so much. We always want to help our friends but it is important to have support yourself too.

I can hear that she seems to be happy with C* - although it sounds like you are worried he might be quite controlling with her too. You have said that he checks her messages and tries to tell her who she can spend time with. If someone is checking up on you, telling you who you can spend time with or trying to control you in an emotional way, that is a type of relationship abuse. This is wrong. Nobody has to put up with being treated this way. You can find out more about relationship abuse.

You might like to try talking to your friend about what’s been happening between her and C*. There is support out there for her when she is ready. Perhaps you can let her know that she can talk to a ChildLine counsellor. She can do this by phoning free on 0800 1111, sending an email or having an online chat. It’s important for you to know that the counsellors are there to support you too if you would like someone to talk to.

You could also visit the message boards to see what other young people have said about this kind of situation and how to get help.

Take care,


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