8/8/2021

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  1. Explosion
    AnyasHereNow / Apr 21 2022 20.23

    Do you know what it feels like to have your insides curl up, to feel the need to peel off your skin at the sound of one man's name? Have you ever felt the rush of fear when you see someone who looks like him, talks like him, moves like him? Do you feel immense terror in your bones all day long? I do. I feel it all, I feel it all of the time, it never stops, there is no quiet, there is no escape and there is no choice. I'm all out of hope, I'm alone and cold, the sand on my back, in my hair. The sharp wind and piercing pain. His harsh breath and violent strength. It's all there, haunting me, every moment of every day and I have no peace. I am not the same as I was, he changed everything. I was a social person, I went out every night, I smiled, I laughed, I had fun and as hard as life already was for me, I was getting through it all. Then all of a sudden I'm back, back in the deep pit I had escaped, only now it's deeper, darker and there is no way out. He put me back here, he did this to me and no one fucking understands! No one ever knows how I feel! Everyone says I'm strong, I'm smart, that I have potential but I don't care! They're all focused on the future and I haven't even had a chance to deal with the past and frankly, it's exhausting. I am angry and that's valid. I am in pain and that is valid. I am lost and that is valid! But no one bloody sees that! They all want me to forget and forgive, they want me to move on and behave, be better in school and be happy. Well, how the fuck am I meant to do all that when I'm fucking traumatized and don't know how to cope! They say “stop smoking so much" and “your sad and lazy cause you're always stoned.” Then, they don't even comprehend the fact that my alcoholic and addicts parents never bothered to teach me how to cope!

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