i'm shy, and while i dont do it daily I dont think i have any self control when i do. For example ive been in hospital twice, once for accidental overdose and another for severe alcohol poisoning, I also do more kissing and sexual things that i end up regretting for days later.
Now a few days ago i took mdma with some mates, did a bunch of things i cringe at but can live with but then going home i missed my bus my phone died so my friend got me a taxi n when i got home it was about 1am i didnt have my key and noone was in, so i walked like a 5 mins to my sisters who wasnt in either.
At the end of the street there was a drug dealer my age who had already tried talking to me so i went back and asked to use his phone n he let me but then after the call ended he put his arm round me and started calling me beautiful and being dead nice n starting leading me down a street aking if i was on molly.
Idk why i didnt walk away but when we got to this ginnel it was dark except under a lamppost and he kissed me and then things esculated a bit (not sex but yk) n i think he might have videoed some of it on his phone?
I cant even remember his name now and i can only remember it in bits but ive never done anything like this before and whilst ive seen him around my estate before ive never actually spoke to him n i know that he hangs around with people who went to the same high school as me and like im really stressed bc i know he knows my name, has my number and knows i live around here
As much as i hate myself for this i don want to give up doing this stuff because i cant go back to being too shy to even speak to people but i can never tone it down.
Also i know i cant say i was 'taken advantage' of bc i put myself in that position and went along with it but i feel dirty & disgusting