isuckatchoosingnicknames / Jan 22 2021 1.29

Hey there,

My name's Alex, and I'm 17. Thanks for reaching out. This stuff is extremely difficult to navigate. I don't personally have any dissociative disorders - but my partner who lives with me does so I'm pretty well versed in this stuff. They also said that they'd pitch in so any responses I make are kinda from both of us.

If you have any questions about it that we could maybe help shed some light on we'd be more than happy to share experiences! A diagnosis may be tricky to get, but certainly possible so keep trying with the system and you'll get there.

Let me know if you have any questions whatsoever. Have a lovely day!

- Alex

OceanRaven / Jan 23 2021 3.34

(I don't know much about trigger warnings, but light mentions of my trauma, no details) Hey, I have never been diagnosed with DID or OSDD; I was psychologically tortured by my babysitter when I was around 6/7, maybe 8 towards the end. She neglected and abused us as well. I talk to the others in my mind and it feels like there me but other people at the same time. Altough they don't activly 'talk' there are times where I feel shallowly myself, and like there there too. I have forgotten my name a few times, and I don't remember an alter (If I even have one) fully surfacing but somtimes my brain is in a war with my 'other brain' about what to do, and I talk to myself as if I'm anouther person. I frequently accidently refer to myself as 'we', and the biggest dissociation I remember was when I was 7-9 and I physically wacthed myself from behind my body (It felt like), open the school gate without warning, I have gotton in trouble for 'phasing out' and I sort of remember but don't at the same time. I feel like my mind ocean is pulling me in and I am finishing typing this as it pulls me in and it is very inconvienient, and I can't stop it, I waited for 5 mintutes and she said she feels like someone else is here. This is confusing and I proufously apologise, but the dang ocean is pulling me back in, do you mind if I just talk with you and your system, regardless of DID or not, I just don't feel like I can open up to my therapist, but I'm anonomous here, and we've both been through something similar. I'm going to stop before the ocean takes me fully, my muscles are stiff and my heart feels like an elastic band is pulling it in whilst some child is running forward in my brain path, I don't know if that's dissociation or just weird but I'm going to click post now, bye.

floweryfrog2 / Jan 24 2021 17.37

Hi!

Of course you can chat with us! We haven’t been diagnosed either (but we hope to as soon as we’re an adult), so don’t take what we say as professional advice, but it helps to talk to people sometimes <3

From my experience as host, it’s normal to be ‘amnesiac for amnesia’. I didn’t realise or even remember my dissociative episodes until I knew what to look for. If you want to talk or ask questions, we’re okay with answering!

- Bee

OceanRaven / Jan 24 2021 20.06

Thank you Bee, you sound reallly nice. One of our littles (The littles are invididual but they seem to huddle togther to create a mind) is obsessed with the word green, and they constantly love to just scream the names of colours at each other. Some of my alters are not OK with me disclosing system identitys, but others are fine-it's hard to tell what we feel like sometimes because most of my alters have fragments themselves, which can make it pretty confusing. There are lots and lots of alters in our system, but I can only communicate to a few right now. Skein is a 'ghost' (It's not really a ghost but he said that's the best way they'll understand), we have some art of him which he signed his name with and helped me edit (Some of our non-human alters look like a slight alteration of the host/body). Sometimes it's hard to focus and communicate because the littles are screaming in the backround and adding blue into every single sentence. I think Skein is a protecter and gatekeeper, sometimes it's hard to tell because when they talk it's blurred with what others say. Theres anouther 'spectre' alter called Nice and she's really shy and sweet but so reserved and nearly invisible, sometimes, Nice and Skein sort of vaguely join and become Ghost, who is like a cross between and I don't know much about them because it causes me sensory deprivation, overload and anxiety because I don't know which is which. I'm sorry for any confusion some of our primary caregivers came and helped me write at the end but I don't know how to spell there names, there telling me but I still don't know our names, sometimes it's confusing who I am, because we are individuals but were also not, it's probably one of the worst things in the world to not know who you are, no more room

OceanRaven / Jan 24 2021 20.20

Because we love each other but it's not meant to be this way, were meant to be all of us and none of us. We just had a little swicth I'm not a little I'm a protecter/primary caregiver but we think this is meaningful so we want to include it.

Love to all your system, Esme.

OceanRaven / Jan 24 2021 20.41

Oh! Also Bee, we tend to be floating in a drawn out co-con, and don't usually fully swicth, hope this makes sense-

floweryfrog2 / Jan 25 2021 11.25

That makes sense! We tend to work via co-consciousness, passive influence and co-fronting, so the host is always in control to some extent, which can lead to us feeling very ‘fake’.

We’ve had a few changes with our system very recently so we’re still readjusting to that. Our primary protector changed, as did our inner world, which has made us very tired and spacey for the last few weeks.

We’re a small system, being only 10 of us to my knowledge. Luckily, with the way our inner world is too, it means the headspace isn’t very loud very often. I know that we have three protectors, two littles, a social alter, a caretaker, and a couple soothers. And me as host, of course.

(We’re also split into a few ‘groups’ - two of our protectors are married and look after one of our littles, I look after a little and a middle, and then the other three live by themselves. It’s funny how our brain decided to reflect what we craved as kids. - Ainsley)

Our communication is pretty poor to be honest, and we work more with feelings than thoughts and voices. I’ve gotten a voice from the others before (mostly with one of our littles, our primary protector and Ainsley) but it’s not an every day occurence.

Do you happen to have any tips for coping with feeling ‘fake’? We really struggle since we aren’t a “traditional” presentation of OSDD/DID,

- Bee and Ainsley

OceanRaven / Jan 25 2021 23.38

We don't have traditional presentation either, we learnt at a young age how to mask our mental health and feelings. I'm relitivly new to this, but my advice would be that in every community, there will be people who do not accept you. Religon, LGBTQIA+ etc. This includes the Dissociative community. It doesn't matter if everyone around you thinks your fake, you are real, valid, and beutiful-and you know that. That's what matters. I do understand feeling fake, and it is so incredibly frustrating. Perhaps, sit down, remember that people can be stupid and you are true; that traditional or not you are there to keep each other safe. Play your favioute game (Or any activity). Mental health is such a broad, undefined spectrum and every colour, depth and hue on that spectrum is very real, very valid, and, sadly, very terrifying. DID can look like so many things, perhaps your survival mechanism is a bit different, but that does not make it any less real. You are not fake, you are not an imposter, and anyone who thinks otherwise is undereducated and (Very frankly) stupid. If you ever feel bad, or worse, or better-our system and everyone in it is here for you. We love and respect you. You have been through something no one ever should dare comprehend, you are strong and miracolous and inspirational to me and many others. You are a survivor. Best wishes, Maya with assist from a co-gatekeeper/protecter/caregiver (Skein, who often feels like an ex-persucuter, and a very mysteriously 'grown up', daunting yet loving motherly figure who I can't real describe, I think meant to be a secure adult are Co-Gatekeepers, if that makes sense, I have a lot of motherly figures, but we function as a peer group so it's complex), also, we mostly talk with feelings but the 'main' alters tend to guide.

floweryfrog2 / Jan 26 2021 11.08

Ello!

I’m feeling so clear for the first time in a few days 😂 Everyone’s been fighting for co-con apparently and it made us super dissociated haha. I’m so bad at noticing while it’s happening.

Yeah, we found our inner world ‘groups’ (idk if they’re subsystems or not since it’s only two groups of three alters) reflect what we wanted as a kid (which was so odd to figure out!). I’m not personally a part of these two families, although I do view Ainsley (our caretaker) as a motherly figure. It’s really lovely for our littles.

Our ex-primary protector (who I think is sorta a persecutor - and that isn’t to say they’re inherantly bad, they just need extra guidance - but they live far from the front now so goodness knows what’s going on) feels very strongly about being hidden, to a point where they weren’t happy when I started finding the others. And I know I definitely hide how I’m feeling almost instinctually haha. I hope we can work together with them one day.

It’s real nice to be talking to another system, we always feel really isolated where we are

- Bee

floweryfrog2 / Jan 26 2021 11.57

Oh, also-

Alters fully fronting is so rare for us, and we do have blackout amnesia when it happens. For us, it’s more like passive influence gets so strong that identifying with [alter name and pronouns] makes more sense. Sometimes we co-front, or are co-conscious but for the most part passive influence is how we ‘switch’. We’ve met one other system who experiences it tho!

Idk if it was worth mentioning haha, apparently it’s a marker for partial DID or OSDD-1b (though partial DID isn’t a diagnosis in the ICD-10).