In Year 6, I lost all of my self esteem and became this introverted loser who could never have one friend for longer than a few months. I didn’t do anything, I just wasn’t good enough.
These issues have been affecting me a lot for the past 4 years. In the past year, my mental state has gotten worse drastically. I have considered suicide by now but I still have hope that maybe one day I can find someone who makes me feel like I belong.
I have really bad trusts issues and I’m also super sensitive but hate to show it so I become overdramatic which makes me feel annoying.
At the beginning of this year, I cut a friend out of my life alongside 7 others as we thought they (non-binary) were toxic. Ever since then I have regretted it but fear I may lose those friends if I go back to her. I felt like she understood me and I trusted her with everything but I sacrificed her for friends who don’t acknowledge me.
I always hint (and sometimes bluntly tell then) about my feelings but only one or two of them really seem to care. I doubt them too even though they have never done anything for me to doubt them.
They’re stuck in their own little bubbles like (I’ll use the alphabet as an example):
A prioritises C
B prioritises D
and E,F and G are all in one small group.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore and I miss my old friend but they’ve left school by now and I doubt I’d ever see them much. I don’t want to ruin my last two years of high school by gambling my friendships away.
Sorry if this is all rubbish, it just feels good to vent in text form. Don’t feel compelled to reply. ❤️