It has been 11yrs and I still feel like I am trapped all the time, like I can't speak, but I can say "hello" to people and talk to them but sometimes I just feel like they are judging me whenever I speak. I just hate it so much. And there is this girl I can't stop thinking about (she was in my computing lesson) she is like my best friend, but I ruined it when I went behind her back and told my other friend that she was staring at me. I do feel bad, but she just kept on staring at me like everyday, it made me insecure. When she confronted me and said why I said that about her I told her the truth, I didn't like it when she was staring at my face like every second. But now I said that behind her back she must hate me a lot... And this is really bad now that she is moving somewhere else, how am I gonna tell her what I feel bout her idk if its love or just guilt, but the most amazing time of my life was with her, she litreally made me laugh everyday, she is the most beautiful girl I have met in my while entire life. Her brain is honeslty amazing like she can do python, she used to help me everytime I got stuck (she bascially got grade 9 in everything). I wish I was with her and told her everything I was feeling inside rn, I guess that is never gonna happen because I have selctive mutism, and she is never gonna like me anyway. So I feel like there is a whole in my life rn and yh I feel kinda bored and I hate it when people stare at me.
Thank you for reading this I hope in like 50yrs I find you someday and tell you what I always wanted to say.