I've struggled with symptoms of depression for my whole life ever since I was a little kid, each episode worse than the last. My worst ever wave was summer of 2019 when I experienced the most brutal suicidal thoughts and most severe depressive symptoms (crying, numbness, worthlessness, bad sleep, bad eating habits, medication abuse etc) When I resumed school the symptoms which had kept my life on the line for months disappeared within a week. School is my cure. 2020 was shaping up to be the best year of my life. I survived the worst time of my life and I'd come out happier and stronger. I finally began dating my still loving bf and he made me so happy every single day. I thought those times were forever behind me. And they probably would have been if not for the lockdown. I still see my boyfriend a few times a week but for some reason, it's not enough. I thought I was fine. Then one day I started to feel incredibly numb. I couldn't feel anything. I would tell my bf I loved him but my heart would feel cold. A few days later the sadness hit. The heaviness in my heart that I can never shift. It is ruining my life again. And I have so much more to lose this time. The way I love my bf is unimaginable and I never want to lose him, but this is making me. I can't feel how much I love him through the sadness. Even when we're together all I can feel is the heaviness and the deep numbness in my heart. It kills me so much that this is hurting my relationship. I thought that our bond would be immune to this, I'm getting therapy but it's not helping. And then after I see him I come home and I'm so upset by the fact that I wasn't happy and then I have these crying breakdowns that last for hours. I just want to end this pain. I can't stand hurting him like this. Or me. Please help.
notgood455145 / Jun 12 2020 0.21