i'm sick of all this.

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  1. Childline Avatar
    gothnoodles / Mar 30 2020 22.49

    this is just a vent i suppose. trigger warning for emotional and sexual abuse.

    this is gonna be a mess because i have so many feelings going through my head right now. it feels like they're going through my whole body.

    i don't remember the majority of my childhood. my parents split when i was 7, i know that much. i was emotionally abused by my dad from god knows how old until 14, when i cut him off. i'm pretty sure i was also emotionally abused by my mum's partner from like, age 7 to 11. it's hard to make sense of things. i don't know.

    i was sexually abused by a classmate when i was nine. i do remember that. the rest is a mess.

    i have what i'm pretty sure are just false memories resurfacing of other sexual abuse too. it's messing with me pretty badly though.

    mental health services are bad as it is. i have severe depression, anxiety, osdd, and cptsd. i'm meant to be doing trauma work but it was put off and now the coronavirus lockdown has me left with barely any support for months.

    i just feel like nobody really understands. on the one hand i'm telling myself it could've been worse and others went through more, and on the other hand nobody understands how bad things are for me right now. it's just all so hard to cope with. i never want to see my dad again in my life. i feel sick at the thought of him. i have panic attacks when someone clenches their jaw or slams a cupboard door. it's all so so difficult. it's like it's consuming me.

    i honestly wanna switch out rn lmao. i can't cope with it all.

    just want some help. no one will help.

  2. Dreamer
    Esther-I-R / May 04 2020 10.06

    Hello. I saw your vent, and i'm here for you.

    I may not have the same problems as you, but I can understand how you feel. It may seem like there's nobody to keep you up on your feet, and sometimes you just wanna switch out the lights and go to sleep, but know that there are people to talk to even if you can't see them face to face during these times. I have similar feelings like you when you say that you have attacks when someone slams a cupboard door - mine is when someone angrily washes dishes or has their voice even a little too over the top of calm because of my father who also emotionally abuses me.

    I also understand that you try to compare your situation to others - I've done that many times before, still do. It does not help with the situation. Nobody else compares to what you're feeling - you're in your own situation. You are you and let nobody take that away from you, whether parents or teachers or random strangers or even yourself. If it helps, try looking up online coping mechanisms - one that I found recently is to keep a hairband around your wrist and ping it when a bad memory comes up! It helps you keep focused on the present rather than thinking about the past and trying to connect the dots. Your past does not define what you want to do now - sometimes it just weighs you down.

    Try and keep your calm in these times - take deep breaths and maybe imagine happy scenarios - as someone with Maladaptive Daydream disorder this does help sometimes haha. I'm here for you! If you need someone to talk to, i'm here.

  3. Childline Avatar
    Esther-I-R / May 04 2020 10.06

    Hello. I saw your vent, and i'm here for you.

    I may not have the same problems as you, but I can understand how you feel. It may seem like there's nobody to keep you up on your feet, and sometimes you just wanna switch out the lights and go to sleep, but know that there are people to talk to even if you can't see them face to face during these times. I have similar feelings like you when you say that you have attacks when someone slams a cupboard door - mine is when someone angrily washes dishes or has their voice even a little too over the top of calm because of my father who also emotionally abuses me.

    I also understand that you try to compare your situation to others - I've done that many times before, still do. It does not help with the situation. Nobody else compares to what you're feeling - you're in your own situation. You are you and let nobody take that away from you, whether parents or teachers or random strangers or even yourself. If it helps, try looking up online coping mechanisms - one that I found recently is to keep a hairband around your wrist and ping it when a bad memory comes up! It helps you keep focused on the present rather than thinking about the past and trying to connect the dots. Your past does not define what you want to do now - sometimes it just weighs you down.

    Try and keep your calm in these times - take deep breaths and maybe imagine happy scenarios - as someone with Maladaptive Daydream disorder this does help sometimes haha. I'm here for you! If you need someone to talk to, i'm here.

    gothnoodles / May 06 2020 15.21

    thank you, so so much. i really wasn't expecting a reply to this but i'm glad i got one. i hope you're doing okay, i know how hard it is.

    - char

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