Getting through this. Blog and experincing

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  1. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / May 31 2016 1.13

    The pain is deeply depressing and I have become sensitive and soar to the world, and boys. I try to strive through it everyday. Searching for inspiration to stay positive by looking for advise on how to get through this hard time. This is a hard time of a hard time as I confidently know that my warm bed will comfort my depression.

    I seem to experience these frequent gloom emotions, which cast a sad shadow over me during my everyday leading me to walk around the house talking to myself about the sensitive  experience. But's who's listening? Then shockingly realising I have lost my confidence and happiness within the safe but unsafe world but who knew that I could be so confident then BANG it be completley shattered by that one person. He made me feel it was my fault. I was in pain.

    I've had my moments where the flow of tears have fallen upon strangers, who willingly stopped when they heard my cries. But who's wiping the tears away?

    Sharing my fears with you that i worry everynight i will get depressed. That it will creep up inside and slowly consume me into sadness. From experiencing depression before I know eventually that it leads me to my self sadness and I always miss out.

     

  2. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 19 2015 22.31
    avrey4 / today at 11:11

     

    The pain is deeply depressing and I have become sensitive and soar to the world, and boys. I try to strive through it everyday. Searching for inspiration to stay positive by looking for advise on how to get through this hard time. This is a hard time of a hard time as I confidently know that my warm bed will comfort my depression.

    I seem to experience these frequent gloom emotions, which cast a sad shadow over me during my everyday leading me to walk around the house talking to myself about the sensitive  experience. But's who's listening? Then shockingly realising I have lost my confidence and happiness within the safe but unsafe world but who knew that I could be so confident then BANG it be completley shattered by that one person. He made me feel it was my fault. I was in pain.

    I've had my moments where the flow of tears have fallen upon strangers, who willingly stopped when they heard my cries. But who's wiping the tears away?

    Sharing my fears with you that i worry everynight i will get depressed. That it will creep up inside and slowly consume me into sadness. From experiencing depression before I know eventually that it leads me to my self sadness and I always miss out.

     

     

    I find myself in silence. I am silent.  The pain lives in the silence as I stare at the bright lights of the out doors. I went out and then...

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    Avrey4 / Oct 21 2015 10.35
    avrey4 / 19 october 2015 at 22:31

     

    I find myself in silence. I am silent.  The pain lives in the silence as I stare at the bright lights of the out doors. I went out and then...

     

    Six day since it happened,

    As time passes I have found myself again going over and over the things what happened to me causing me to feel like a weak victim and small inside. But others (friends and family) said it wasnt my fault. I feel ill. But what kind? Is it from the shock? the fear? or the fact that I got hurt.

    It hurts inside. It hurts to talk about it espically to concerned strangers, who need to know theall the what details. Lately now, I hit the wall of guilt as i cried my eyes out in the cooridoors to myself thinking, I wasn't strong enough but i held down. The guilt again,It's my fault but I didn't ask for it and I even said no. I wasn't strong enough but i spoke out.

    The truth is that ... I didn't tell anyone until two days after it happened.And when I didn't say anything it was my family who had to deal with my mena attitude. It was a off dya for me then my conscience kicked in saying what happened isn't right. I have my reasons and past fears from the constant bothering messages I recieved which sileneced me.

    Is it weird cause...

    I can't look at the dress i wore on that day. I fear to touch it and I fear to where those braclets again around my anxiety hands. I stumble nad feel low when I go near that place where it happened. I feel alone but unalone when you read my blog.

     

     

     

     

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    Avrey4 / Oct 21 2015 13.50

    To my readers.

    I haven't been out in a while... I hide behind the door and I hide being these white walls. The despair and devastation only tells me to get moving while I sit hear glooming over what happened.

    Sometimes I have to admit the justice helps a little but it doesn't take the upset feeling inside. The coldness reminder that I need to cry.

    I think only now, is it fate or destiny that the door bell rang? and I had to face the world after what happened to me. Is it fate that I had to write these words before you? I feel the gloominess just attaching itself to me and becoming me.

    Where it happened to me. I have to go everyday. I don't safe while I peek and wish for the air outside. To me air is not air. To have the confidence, freedom and happiness to go outside while i experience the recycled air of students in a class room because i don't feel safe and happy.

    I know so dearly that I will have to go back. Recharged feeling low and UNCONFIDENT and more then come home. Note for the day gotta learn how not to dwell on it.

     

  5. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 22 2015 9.08
    avrey4 / 21 october 2015 at 13:50

     

    To my readers.

    I haven't been out in a while... I hide behind the door and I hide being these white walls. The despair and devastation only tells me to get moving while I sit hear glooming over what happened.

    Sometimes I have to admit the justice helps a little but it doesn't take the upset feeling inside. The coldness reminder that I need to cry.

    I think only now, is it fate or destiny that the door bell rang? and I had to face the world after what happened to me. Is it fate that I had to write these words before you? I feel the gloominess just attaching itself to me and becoming me.

    Where it happened to me. I have to go everyday. I don't safe while I peek and wish for the air outside. To me air is not air. To have the confidence, freedom and happiness to go outside while i experience the recycled air of students in a class room because i don't feel safe and happy.

    I know so dearly that I will have to go back. Recharged feeling low and UNCONFIDENT and more then come home. Note for the day gotta learn how not to dwell on it.

     

     

    Support and the family.

    I'm not going to say their is always the one, but I want my readers to know that it all depends all on character. Yes my family are starting to realise I am getting low with the blues and the fact I don't want to go anywhere giving the house a morning alarm. It's starts like this.

    "Avery doesn't want to go to College!" mother said, "Shes upset to go."

    Character as in supportive, understanding and nice. My family tell to get over it, I wasn't raped, his not bothering you." Yes it's hurtful and unsupportive but I know that my family are just upset to see me down. What builds character is how you respond to something. And i'm not going to say it's easy. It's not. What i' say is that if things didnt hurt you then simply your not human.

    I want to be honest with u's. I was touched and forced etc. and I'm not letting the depression bother me. How? Well i try picture my future and sometimes I can't so I play music to express my emotions.

    Like I say the only people who know what you been through is yourself and thoughs who was subjected to sexual assult only know what it feels like. I wasnt prepared. No one was. 

    I know though I need to post some positive things, so I'm going to try to do the oppisite of what i dont want to do which part me is like no!! but i'm going to.

    Plus today i have to hand in a statement.

    For now stay stong. Love u guys.

     

  6. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 22 2015 17.41
    avrey4 / today at 09:08

     

    Support and the family.

    I'm not going to say their is always the one, but I want my readers to know that it all depends all on character. Yes my family are starting to realise I am getting low with the blues and the fact I don't want to go anywhere giving the house a morning alarm. It's starts like this.

    "Avery doesn't want to go to College!" mother said, "Shes upset to go."

    Character as in supportive, understanding and nice. My family tell to get over it, I wasn't raped, his not bothering you." Yes it's hurtful and unsupportive but I know that my family are just upset to see me down. What builds character is how you respond to something. And i'm not going to say it's easy. It's not. What i' say is that if things didnt hurt you then simply your not human.

    I want to be honest with u's. I was touched and forced etc. and I'm not letting the depression bother me. How? Well i try picture my future and sometimes I can't so I play music to express my emotions.

    Like I say the only people who know what you been through is yourself and thoughs who was subjected to sexual assult only know what it feels like. I wasnt prepared. No one was. 

    I know though I need to post some positive things, so I'm going to try to do the oppisite of what i dont want to do which part me is like no!! but i'm going to.

    Plus today i have to hand in a statement.

    For now stay stong. Love u guys.

     

     

    Carried, delivered and dealt with. Sounds simple doesn't it. I like u's to know I was the nervous girl standing outside the office with a shiny A4 paper.So please dont think i'm super girl. I had help with support from a friend which recommend every one getting a friend, who they can trust to talk and support.

    Today was the day where I had to hand in my statement. The statement of personal stuff of what, who and where to be able to describe in enough detail what happened. Glad to say that there was a delivery in safe hands, as they carried my personal info in their hands while reading it infront of me. Just imagine how i was feeling.

    I left and had a cosy chat with my friend, who by suprize knew the perosn who assulted me. I dont know if this is a bad time to say but small world. Found out that the person is weird, rude, imitating character. Makes me think why didnt say anything, but who says im thinking that.

    I returned to a place, where the statement was placed in and note to self when walking with someone down the stairs try not to fall down the stairs, like i did and also don't get the security name wrong like i did. "Who's D? man said, " no one under that name exists." honestly my memory techniques ran away mildly.

    Later during day I had sad feelings, stress and dark feelings but i think i am ok.

    Playing fav song. Tip for the day is to be the beautiful person you are and not let others take that of you. to be aware that there is beauty in the world. I feel alone everyday but Just keep searching cause your not ever alone.

    Together we stand strong.

     

  7. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 23 2015 18.13
    avrey4 / 22 october 2015 at 17:41

     

    Carried, delivered and dealt with. Sounds simple doesn't it. I like u's to know I was the nervous girl standing outside the office with a shiny A4 paper.So please dont think i'm super girl. I had help with support from a friend which recommend every one getting a friend, who they can trust to talk and support.

    Today was the day where I had to hand in my statement. The statement of personal stuff of what, who and where to be able to describe in enough detail what happened. Glad to say that there was a delivery in safe hands, as they carried my personal info in their hands while reading it infront of me. Just imagine how i was feeling.

    I left and had a cosy chat with my friend, who by suprize knew the perosn who assulted me. I dont know if this is a bad time to say but small world. Found out that the person is weird, rude, imitating character. Makes me think why didnt say anything, but who says im thinking that.

    I returned to a place, where the statement was placed in and note to self when walking with someone down the stairs try not to fall down the stairs, like i did and also don't get the security name wrong like i did. "Who's D? man said, " no one under that name exists." honestly my memory techniques ran away mildly.

    Later during day I had sad feelings, stress and dark feelings but i think i am ok.

    Playing fav song. Tip for the day is to be the beautiful person you are and not let others take that of you. to be aware that there is beauty in the world. I feel alone everyday but Just keep searching cause your not ever alone.

    Together we stand strong.

     

     

    When a person needs time to heal from a saddening situation it helps for the world to give air from the specific person and in doing so in our time we will grow, maybe learn or get happier then by carring onto the life journey to find our pourpose. For me would you believe i see that person, who assutled me.

    Not to panic, cause i was in car while he walked back. I sweated while in the passenger seat in the car wishing on an emergeny wish for the long going pause on the traffic lights. It brought back feelings of sad despair and depression causing me to feel low in class.

    I don't feel happy but i do laugh. My world is full of eyes, camera and protection.Didn't protect or help me. That protection let me down, but their are people who can help who wont fail you, who want to help u. maybes it those people u see who ask if u ok or the teachers who hold u back to talk.

    When i laugh it feels good. Not completly good but Good has changed. I feel a layer of sadness under my joy and it hurts knowiing i'm expercing this type of sadness.

    During the day and now i can visualize him in back of my mind. Its not a gift. Im  a little angry and distraught of my memory imagination but i beg a lot for something to fill that space of hurt. Maybe a close friend, a relationship or a miracle.

    I feel so angry and upset at that person, and scared the effects on me compared to his written reports which stay with him for life. Does the world's way of punishment really live up to a after effects which i encounter? Is it really justice been served? it seems like a mirror image what lives on but what was told off and wasn't effectected like me as he looked fine.Try to do something what makes u laugh. Try not think bout that person. It's hard not to right?

  8. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 24 2015 11.00
    avrey4 / 23 october 2015 at 18:13

     

    When a person needs time to heal from a saddening situation it helps for the world to give air from the specific person and in doing so in our time we will grow, maybe learn or get happier then by carring onto the life journey to find our pourpose. For me would you believe i see that person, who assutled me.

    Not to panic, cause i was in car while he walked back. I sweated while in the passenger seat in the car wishing on an emergeny wish for the long going pause on the traffic lights. It brought back feelings of sad despair and depression causing me to feel low in class.

    I don't feel happy but i do laugh. My world is full of eyes, camera and protection.Didn't protect or help me. That protection let me down, but their are people who can help who wont fail you, who want to help u. maybes it those people u see who ask if u ok or the teachers who hold u back to talk.

    When i laugh it feels good. Not completly good but Good has changed. I feel a layer of sadness under my joy and it hurts knowiing i'm expercing this type of sadness.

    During the day and now i can visualize him in back of my mind. Its not a gift. Im  a little angry and distraught of my memory imagination but i beg a lot for something to fill that space of hurt. Maybe a close friend, a relationship or a miracle.

    I feel so angry and upset at that person, and scared the effects on me compared to his written reports which stay with him for life. Does the world's way of punishment really live up to a after effects which i encounter? Is it really justice been served? it seems like a mirror image what lives on but what was told off and wasn't effectected like me as he looked fine.Try to do something what makes u laugh. Try not think bout that person. It's hard not to right?

     

    I wanted the light on all night...hoping it would guide me, comfort me out of my troubles leading me into a good night sleep.

    Every night before i go to sleep i now leave the light on, because i feel somehow suffocated by sadness and turnig the light on is my way of getting the dark shadows away from me. I fear from what happened the sadness hides within me.

    It drives me mad as the sadness evokes me and reminds me that the things, in this case a person exists or it happened within my life.My talkative brain cries thoughts of depression and unsurety of hope. I get so confused. I wonder if i can get through this or not. My dark troubles come to me at night.

    I think this has come from the fear. After what happened me i felt i was in a dark world nolonger bright.

    What helps me is keeping a personal object close or music. Anyways my dreams do reflect my moods (the thriller dream of what happened startles me) BUT the bigger picture is i should smile cause i deserve to. We all do.

  9. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 24 2015 16.49
    avrey4 / today at 11:00

     

    I wanted the light on all night...hoping it would guide me, comfort me out of my troubles leading me into a good night sleep.

    Every night before i go to sleep i now leave the light on, because i feel somehow suffocated by sadness and turnig the light on is my way of getting the dark shadows away from me. I fear from what happened the sadness hides within me.

    It drives me mad as the sadness evokes me and reminds me that the things, in this case a person exists or it happened within my life.My talkative brain cries thoughts of depression and unsurety of hope. I get so confused. I wonder if i can get through this or not. My dark troubles come to me at night.

    I think this has come from the fear. After what happened me i felt i was in a dark world nolonger bright.

    What helps me is keeping a personal object close or music. Anyways my dreams do reflect my moods (the thriller dream of what happened startles me) BUT the bigger picture is i should smile cause i deserve to. We all do.

     

    Can't get his image out of my mind. My mind has some how remembered all the details. I am starting to think this is a bad time to have an imagination as I can create and see a vivid image of him in the back of mind putting me down. The mind is a gift thought never a curse. The mind helps us to learn, discover and sadly sometimes remember even the things we don't want to. When negative htings happen their always room for positive things to get remembered to. It's the half term for me but I gloot at the thought that I know I have to go back. Believe it or not but the person who assualted me is on the same floor. Believe it or not their is a chance I may see them. I want to cry and I want to hide. But I am strong and we are all strong. It makes me think without doubt why It happened to me and, yet i am to blaim but no i am not. I do not and we do not control others actions. I have to admit ot makes me angry that I can't but life itself is a journey and I think of the character of the person who assualted me. A person with a burst of lust, anger and a widely smile. To me its seems empty. To me It's a character I fear and stand clear of. I also think of the personality of the person who again, assaulted me again It's a character I fear but yet, am deeply upset with as the pain lives within me turning my gracefull hands to shaky hands. I wonder and hope while time goes, because times does fly while the clouds pass and the light shines. To remember the present is a mystery unsolved as i can not guess the future which is untold.

  10. Childline Avatar
    Avrey4 / Oct 25 2015 19.02
    avrey4 / 24 october 2015 at 16:49

     

    Can't get his image out of my mind. My mind has some how remembered all the details. I am starting to think this is a bad time to have an imagination as I can create and see a vivid image of him in the back of mind putting me down. The mind is a gift thought never a curse. The mind helps us to learn, discover and sadly sometimes remember even the things we don't want to. When negative htings happen their always room for positive things to get remembered to. It's the half term for me but I gloot at the thought that I know I have to go back. Believe it or not but the person who assualted me is on the same floor. Believe it or not their is a chance I may see them. I want to cry and I want to hide. But I am strong and we are all strong. It makes me think without doubt why It happened to me and, yet i am to blaim but no i am not. I do not and we do not control others actions. I have to admit ot makes me angry that I can't but life itself is a journey and I think of the character of the person who assualted me. A person with a burst of lust, anger and a widely smile. To me its seems empty. To me It's a character I fear and stand clear of. I also think of the personality of the person who again, assaulted me again It's a character I fear but yet, am deeply upset with as the pain lives within me turning my gracefull hands to shaky hands. I wonder and hope while time goes, because times does fly while the clouds pass and the light shines. To remember the present is a mystery unsolved as i can not guess the future which is untold.

     

    Evidence on my phone with a anonymous text!

    Is it from him keep redaing to find out guys.

    Everytime I compress sensitive fingers against the shiny grey on button on my phone i automatically get  negative thought born into my mind that it's from him. That it's from him and he hasn't stopped.

    My eyes glimpse at the digital number, which proceds my future. In other words it simply tells me how many texts i have. I seem popular. From what happened  i would say its been a week now since it happened i remember the number of bothering messages, which had words of worry and a tip of romantic but bothering nature.

    I remember the texts. They longer and worse. Asking to tell me my address, asking me if i would take pictures of self which i believe is a selfie etc.

    It's an automatic response thinking it's from him, but the protection(block)  on my phone did it's job when i discovered a message saying where are u? Yes with the question mark.Now i hope i'm not picky but who has time in this day and life to text with punctuation. 

    I checked all the numbers telling myself to chill as the anxiety spread trying to get me to prepare for the worst. My stomach turned and my eyes became un dry. I realised this person, who sent me the message was not my friends and not my family.

    There was only one thing to do. Check his number without accidentially phoning him. Imagine that. i would panic. then...

  11. Childline Avatar
    cas-ca5639 / Oct 25 2015 21.44

    i was sexual abused in year seven i was only 11 when i boy touch me up so bad that now he is on my mind 24/7 and that i cant trust my boyfriends my brothers or mym dad or any other boys like my mates that are boys i need help  on what to do

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