Hello sam, i didnt know what topic to put this in so i hope it is okay...
I didnt know what else to do, so i thought i would email you maybe for some advise or somthing :(
When i was roughly 12/13 i got bullied a bit because people 'asumed' i was gay, & maybe because i just wasnt the typical 'boy'. So i would *gently* cut myself but only enough to see spects of blood because i was scared because i never done it before, and i did it so when i did get called names i could think in my head "hahahaha, my self harm over powers the pain you try to give me" kind of thing :(
now i really regret it because it seemed to be addictive. Over the past few years i have relized i actually am gay, and because of all the bulling i started listening to heavy metal so i started to dress like the part too! so over the past year i got bullied for being the schools 'gay emo' and i get abuse from that quite alot.. and my self harm has become very worse....
i still think that thought "my self harms worse then the pain you give me hahahaa" so the worse i get bullied the worse i self harm. just so i can be in control i guess. all i get called everyday in the stupid dark emo gay boy jack. and i hate it... what should i do :(
..sorry if its too long :((((
Sam
Hi Jack,
Thanks for your letter.
It sounds like the bullying you have suffered has got worse over the last few years and so has your self-harming as you say at first you would just cut 'gently' until you saw specks of blood. Now you feel you have become addicted to it and regret having started to cut.
I can hear that since you have realised that you are gay you have started getting into heavy metal which means that you have started to dress differently. Lots of people get bullied because of the way they dress or their sexuality and that is not OK. Bullying is wrong and your school has a duty to protect you from being hurt in this way. Maybe you could think about talking to someone you trust at school about this.
It sounds like as the bullying has got worse over the past year. Your self-harm has got much worse too and you have told me this is because you need to have control over something in your life. It can be really difficult to feel you have no control. You have said you tell yourself that the self-harm overpowers the pain you suffer so I can hear that it helps you cope with being bullied but it also sounds like you would prefer to find a different way to cope.
Perhaps you could have a look at our Self-harm message boards to see what other young people do when they want to stop self-harming. You might also like to look at The Site webpage which has lots of information and advice for young people who self harm.
You could also talk to a ChildLine counsellor about any of these issues by calling free on 0800 1111, having a 1-2-1 online chat or sending them an email. ChildLine are open seven days a week and they want to find a way to support you.
Take care,
Sam
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