Have you ever felt like you are not worth anything? like your not pretty enough? Everyday i feel like people are talking about me and saying bad things about me... I assume people are talking about me and what they are saying. I have had anxiety for awhile now. I sometimes feel like i have no one to talk to. I am very quiet and dont tell anyone my problems. I sometimes feel like im going to explode from all the things that has happened in my life. My father went to jail when i was three... and got out when i was 12. During that time i was alone. I lived with my mom and brother and my brothers dad. My mother would sleep all day and never spend any quality time with us. She would yell at us all the time. She would have different boyfriends everyweek. As i started to age she had a new boyfriends. My mother now is trying to put herself back into my life. My brother wants nothing to do with her. And i am here living with my brothers dad and his girlfriend and her two kids. And i know this dosent sound so bad but there is so much in my life that it would take me just hours to write about. I always thought that not breathing anymore maybe would take all the pain, frustration and confusion away... but i coud never bring myself to do that and i dont think i will... I want to go see a therapist again but i am afraid to tell my parents that i do. Please write me back...
Sam
Hi there,
Thanks for your letter.
Youve done really well to tell me so much about your life. Youve talked about your dad going to prison and having a difficult relationship with your mum. It seems like you felt alone for a long time, and that this and your relationship with your mum have had a big impact on you. You have said that your mum has been trying to put herself back in your life and that your brother doesnt want anything to do with her. It can be confusing when relationships change and we sometimes feel that we have not got what we wanted from them.
It sounds like you feel youre not worth anything, you have anxiety and you assume people are saying bad things about you. It could be really hard for you to cope with these feelings. You can find out more about anxiety, loneliness and low self-esteem in Feelings and Emotions in the Explore section.
You have thought about suicide, as it feels like not breathing would take away the pain, frustration and confusion. Youve been really clear in letting me know that you are not thinking about acting on those thoughts, thanks for that. If you do start to think about acting on them we would encourage you to talk to a counsellor at ChildLine either on the phone or through 1-2-1 chat so they can give you some immediate support.
It can be scary thinking about getting help from a therapist but its good that you feel ready to try talking to someone. You have told me you feel afraid to tell your parents and Im wondering whether there might be a way to tell them that feels less scary. Some young people have said that writing a letter can be a good way to tell their parents something, you can take your time writing it to make sure you say everything you want to and you can leave it somewhere for your parents to read.
You havent said how old you are but it might be possible to get referred to a therapist without talking to your parents about it, particularly if you have seen the therapist before. Some family doctors will offer confidential appointments to young people who are 16 or over so you might like to check that out with your doctor. You could also try talking to a school nurse to see if they can help you get the support you feel you need. The ChildLine counsellors are always here to support you too; you might like to think about talking things through with them. You can call them on 0800 1111, send them an email or log in for 1-2-1 chat.
Take care,
Sam
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