Hi there,
Thank you for writing to me to tell me how you feel.
Losing your mum when you were so young is a really difficult thing for you to have gone through and has been hard for you over the years. When someone dies there can be lots of different emotions and difficulties and it is important that you give yourself time and have the right support to help you cope. You can read more about this on our page about when someone dies.
Even though you only have the one memory of your mum, maybe with the help of family you could try and collect pictures or stories about her from when she was alive. This could help you know more about your mum and build up more of an image of her and what type of person she was. Some people find it helpful to make a memory box to keep things together so when youre feeling sad or down you can be reminded of all the positive things about your mum.
It could also be some use to have a look at Winstons Wish as they offer advice and support to people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one.
You talk about dreaming of your mum dying, having a flashback and hurting someone. Sometimes when you dont get the chance to talk things through or express how you're feeling things can get released in an unexpected way. I am not sure what support you have at the moment or if anyone knows about what is going on. It sounds like you could use some support so that things can be improved for you. Maybe you could think about talking this through with a trusted adult like a family member or teacher to get the help and support you deserve.
It was brave of you to be so honest about trying to overdose in the past and its really positive that youre asking for help now. There is lots of support available to young people who have suicidal thoughts and you dont have to cope with them by yourself. You can speak to your doctor or another medical professional to help you access the support you need - you may want to talk this through with a ChildLine counsellor either on a 1-2-1 chat, calling for free on 0800 1111 or sending an email.
Remember, you dont have to cope with this by yourself.
Take care,
Sam
You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.
You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.
