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To Sam

I don't know what to do anymore


ummmmmmm I don't really know what to say to be honest , I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm nearly 15 (July) , last year at the end of July my mum passed away suddenly (deep vein thrombosis) but even before my mum passed away I was having problems , I would never leave the house other than go to school and it's still the same now, when I was in a Spanish class I looked up signs of deep vein thrombosis and thought back to just before my mum passed away, if I had noticed everything sooner would my mum be ok? I asked my mums fiancé and even he said that their was nothing the doctors could have done. it's been 10 months since then and I have dealt with it ok ..... I think . Now I'm having problems and it's kinda the same as before my mum passed away , I feel empty and I don't really feel anything to be honest , sometimes my friends will make me laugh in school for 5 second s but then I go back to feeling nothing what so ever. Recently I started inflicting pain on myself just to make sure that I was here and wasn't like some sort of invisible thing , I thought I stopped for good but the other day all of a sudden I had done it , I'm embarrassed and ashamed of it , I'm a hypocrite , I use to persuade my close friend to stop saying it was bad but now I'm doing it myself . My dad has no idea even though my close friends knew something was wrong straight away , my friend started crying and I just felt like dying, I had just made someone who I love very much feel the need to cry over something like this ? I feel so down and lonely Evan though I have lots of people around me supporting me , I feel so lost, what do I do ???

Ask Sam


Hi there,

Losing somebody you love and care for is very difficult. And there’s no right or wrong way to feel. The word that describes this loss is called 'bereavement' and when you experience this you begin to feel something called 'grief'. During this time you might feel all sorts of emotions like sadness, anger, anxiety and even the feeling of numbness. These are all really natural ways of feeling.

When someone dies suddenly it can be a shock as we weren’t expecting it. And it can leave us feeling very anxious, vulnerable and confused. Sometimes the feeling of pain can be so intense and overwhelming that you don’t know what to do. It can be hard to talk about this. And even when you feel like you want to be on your own, you also want others to notice your pain and feelings.

While your friends and family might feel worried about you, it’s always ok to show them how you truly feel. You never have to feel ashamed or worried that you’ve upset the people that care about you. Being honest and telling them how you feel inside means that you can get the help and support you deserve so that things can feel a little easier.

When you feel overwhelmed, it’s very natural to want the pain to go away or to feel something different. And this can mean that you experience suicidal thoughts or a desire to self-harm. But there are ways of looking after yourself with these feelings rather than punishing yourself or blaming yourself for feeling them. There’s some advice on coping with suicidal feelings and self-harm coping techniques that you might want to look at. I want you to know that you’re important and you matter.

It’s very normal to feel alone and a little lost when you are grieving, even when there are lots of people around supporting you. It may help to have people to understand your experience and how it feels for you so that you can feel a little more connected to people who have experienced bereavement. It can help to have a safe space to talk about how you feel, the loss you have experienced and the impact that it is having on you. A good starting point to get this help could be your school or your doctor for counselling.

ChildLine counsellors can help you talk through all that you are feeling so that you don’t have to feel on your own. You could also look at Hope Again, a bereavement charity for young people. Or check out our message boards where other young people share their experiences and support each other.

Even when things feel really difficult, you are coping and you are doing well. And you can work through this so that you have a future that you deserve.

Take care,

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You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

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