how? how do i stop cutting? how do i start eating? and how do i make sure I'm okay with it? i don't want cuts on christmas. i don't want scars for the rest of my life. i don't want fat. i don't want anger and misery. i don't want to hurt myself, because i don't want to hurt others. i don't want the ld me, the person i was, before i started cutting and counting calories and checking my weight every five minutes and before 2 sychotherapists, 3 doctors and a syciatist gave up on me, i don't want that person to slip away from me forever. i liked her, and that more than i can say about who i am at the moment. how do i stop myself from ruining anything else? how do i keep myself from causing any more damage? how? how can i know that i dont want all of that and not know what i do want? what do i do? how do i stop cutting? how do i et myself back? this isn't me. i don't cut. i eat what i like. i'm thin but i don't care anyways even if i was fat. i'm not a fat cutter, which is who i am at the moment! i hate that word, cutter! how do i stop myself from completely dying out mentally and emotionally? how do i stop myself from dying out physically, cos that what im going towards? they tell me, "you don't eat enough. you'll just wither away into nothing!", and, " now make sure you don't cut too deep or you might do something serious!". is this not already serious! how do i make people realise I'm not okay? and how do i make people realise i'm not getting better, I'm getting worse? please. please. please. please. plese. help me. it won't get better unless someone beleives me and undersands what i'm saying1 so at the moment, it won't get better at all! please. please. please. most of all.... how? how do i stop cutting? how do i start eating? how do i make sure i'm okay with it? i'm going to have cuts on christmas, i just know it. thank you so much for reading this. please please please help!!
Sam
Hi there and thanks for taking the time to write your letter.
When reading your letter it sounds like you have had a think about some of the things that you would like to change in your life, but youre not sure how you could make these changes. It sounds like you feel you really need help and support from other people but at the moment you are not getting this support, but it's great that you are recognising that you need further help as this is the first step to making changes to your life.
Using self harm is a way that some people use to cope with things that are happening for them, and it sounds like you have been self harming to cope, but would like this to change. There are other things that people try that they say help them to cope with their feelings, so perhaps you could try these.
Find a way to express your feelings, how about writing a diary or creating something, maybe music, poetry, cooking or art work.
Some people find listening to music helps them to relax, perhaps finding songs with lyrics that mean something to you.
Perhaps you could try playing a sport or doing some exercise you find enjoyable. Exercise is a great way to let of steam and scientists believe the chemicals your body releases can also help you to feel better too.
Some people find that holding ice or pinging an elastic band on their skin helps them to get a similar feeling to when they self harm but is usually something that wont break the skin or leave scars
Perhaps you could give some of these a try and see if anything works for you. The ChildLine message boards are a great place to see what other people are saying and to get support and advice, and you could even start your own thread if you felt ready.
You mention that you would like to change the way you eat, and it sounds like people around you have noticed that there is a problem with the way you eat. The first step to getting help with an eating problem is to talk to someone you trust to let them know that you need further support. There are a number of people you could tell, perhaps your family, a teacher, or a doctor or school nurse, they will all be able to help you think about the support that you need and how you can get it, there are lots of local and national agencies that can support you with this, a good place to start is www.b-eat.co.uk for further information and information on where to look. A ChildLine counsellor can also support you in thinking about this if you would like to start there.
It sounds like you have a lot of worries about yourself and how other people see you; however Im just wondering if there is anything you do like about yourself? Perhaps you could write a list of some of the positive things about your life as often we dont get a chance to think about this, which leaves lots of time for focusing on the negatives. Thinking about how you manage other positive aspects in your life might help you to think about how you could make some changes to the other things too.
Please remember you can always talk this through with ChildLine and there will always be someone there to listen who wont judge you. You can get in touch in whichever way feels best, but you can create and account and write an email or have a 1-2-1 chat with a counsellor online (which is a bit like MSN) or you can give them a call on 0800 1111 which is a free phone number from any UK phone or mobile and won't show up on your bill.
Take care,
Sam
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