Ask Sam letter


To Sam

He's been told to not contact me, help me please

I know im to old for this site but my friend who is younger than me said you'd help me, so I'm hoping you will. As I honestly don't know where else to go. This is pretty much my last hope.
Basically a few years ago when I was 16 I gave someone my skype details they got me to trust them, so I did. But they then turned out to be someone else, a pedophile. I told the police after about a year of this, and the police did investigate it and did do something and arrest him, and such like, the problem is he's now back and he's got me where he wants me, he's added me to skype and I've stupidly accepted. He says he's changed, he says he's sorry for what he did and he hates himself for what he to do me and that he knows it was wrong of him and he said he understands if I dont wish to talk to him. But I do want to talk to him and that's the problem.
I want to talk to him, I want to feel like that special person to him again, I want him to talk to him like he used to, I want him to understand me again, I know its dangerous and I know I shouldn't be doing this but whilst I know this puts me in danger, I feel somewhat safe around him safer than I have done around my parents, I've spoke to him today, the connection we had is stil lthere even though I know this connection was wrong and he groomed me etc and I'm all over the place now and I just don't know what to do. I know deep down telling the police would be the right thing to do, the correct thing to do, because he could easily do it again. He wants me to cam with him, he wants me to, he says we can take it at my own pace, but since then hes ignoring me on skype and I'm confused and I don't really know how I feel.
All I know is that wanting this connection with him again is deffinatly wrong. But at the same time I want to feel speical, is there anything wrong in that ?
People on the site this person got my details from say I shouldn't feel this way given what he did to me, but that being said I do feel this way.
help. my mind is a muddle and I feel funny.
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for your message.
I can hear how much this man has had an effect on you - it sounds as though this person did things with you that were wrong but that you also still have some feelings for him and this is confusing for you.
You’ve said he has groomed you in the past but that now he has changed – it would be important to try and decide for yourself if that is true. In this case you might want to think carefully whether someone who really has changed would still be trying to be in a relationship with a young person they had hurt before.
A good rule of thumb when trying to decide what a person’s intentions are, is to ask yourself what it is they might want from you and what kind of things would they say to get that.
So for example, you said that he wants you to go on a webcam with him, but that he will let you go at your own pace. If you look carefully at what he’s saying here, he is implying that it’s definitely going to happen but making it seem like you’re in control because you can “choose the pace”. Why doesn’t he talk about the option of you saying no?
This is the way an adult might get what they want from a young person – some people are very skilled at talking people into things and it’s easy to be drawn in by them. Anyone can be “groomed” by an adult, which is why it’s so important to be careful and question what people’s intentions are.
If an older person is trying to build a relationship with you, there might be ways of testing if they are safe or not. For example, you could say to them that you were thinking of telling your parents (or another adult) about your relationship and seeing how they react. Adults with good intentions are likely to prefer the people who look after you to be aware of their contact with you – if they tell you to keep things secret then this is a big clue they might not be being truthful with you.
If you’re ever not sure about a relationship you’re in with an older person then you can always talk to a ChildLine counsellor about it. ChildLine won’t judge you and sometimes just having another point of view on a situation can help you to see things you couldn’t see before.
Thanks again for your message and take care of yourself.

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