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Hi there
Thank you for being brave enough to write and share your feelings with me. You have put so much effort into this letter and you speak from your heart.
It sounds like you and mum were especially close and mum being ill was so very sad for you. It is also clear that you looked after mum in the best way possible. Being a carer can be tough and feel like a big responsibility and it can sometimes feel like a big responsibility. I am sure mum knew how well you cared for her.
Funerals are emotional occasions and can make everything feel very real and painful. I can see how you would have felt overwhelmed by it all. Although you did not finish your speech, being able to say any part of it at all was an extremely brave thing to do and something you can be truly proud of. Speaking about someone you love and have lost can be more difficult than making a speech about something where there is no emotion involved. I see that it was really upsetting for you when others were not kind about your speech. This is a time when you deserve to be supported, not criticised.
Giving a flower and your note to mum to tell her how much you love her, sounds like a very special thing to do. Many people like to do something like this when they lose someone close to them, for some it helps to do something special for the one they love.
I know being with family feels difficult right now and many families need time to adjust following a bereavement, it can be a confusing and stressful time for everyone. It sounds like you are not feeling as confident as you would like and that over-eating has been something you do to try to find some comfort. It is important to remember that you are grieving and that process can take different amounts of time for different people. Being happy again is important and having support is one way to help you find a way forward.
Many young people find it helps to speak to a ChildLine counsellor when someone dies, so that they can share their pain without fear of upsetting someone. It might also give you an opportunity to talk about your special memories of mum, as well as what you find most difficult to cope with. If you would like to do this, you can ring ChildLine on 0800 1111 and calls are free. Another way would be to have a 1-2-1 chat online with a counsellor. Having a look at the ChildLine message boards might also be helpful as they offer thoughts, feelings and ideas of other young people in similar situations. You might also find looking at the when someone dies page on the ChildLine website useful.
You might also like to have a look at Winston's Wish which is a bereavement website providing lots of information and support and has a section especially for young people.
Thank you for everything you have shared and I hope you will make contact when the time feels right for you.
Take care
Sam
You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.
You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.