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To Sam

Alone & Hurt

In 2010 I became my mums full time carer I done everything for her, she got diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 and she was in remission for a few months then we found out the cancer came back but this time it was in her brain she was having all sorts of treatment to get better but it was getting worse the tumours were growing and she couldn't talk or walk so she was sent to hospital where she stayed for a few months but she was getting worse each day that went by she was seeing things she was getting very confused and couldn't really talk, the doctors told us that she only had a few weeks to live so she came out of hospital and stayed at home for her last weeks. She passed away on 2nd August 2011 I didn't know what to do with myself I felt like my heart had been ripped out and stamped all over I couldn't say bye to her because all the family was at the house so I couldn't have my last moment with my mum, days after I couldn't eat or sleep I felt so hurt felt like I had no one to talk to because my mum was my best friend we always spoke about everything together and she always helped me with everything. I started to become really depressed when she passed away and started comfort eating a lot it felt like that was the only way to numb the pain I went to the doctors and seen someone about my depression but it wasn't enough I still felt alone, I visited my mum regular when she was at the chapel of rest it was so upsetting seeing her so pale and cold it felt like I was in some sort of horrible nightmare then one day ill wake up and none of this would of happened, but at least I got to give my mum a note saying how much I love her and I'll try and always make her proud, the day of the funeral was hard when the horse and carriage came to the house it then became real that my mum is never coming back. I just broke down in tears when I seen the coffin, as we entered the church I was still crying I wrote my own speech which I was really proud of but I messed up because I got a big lump in my throat so I couldn't finish the rest of, but when my mum was buried I threw a lovely bright flower in with her, at the wake I got very drunk and became even more emotional my sister called me an embarrassment and said my mum wouldn't be proud of me which really hurt me. Since my mum passed away I've not felt like I'm part of the family anymore because I don't talk to my dad or sister because they always make me feel left out and even more alone. My auntie also said my mum wouldn't be proud of me and said my speech was like me chewing a brick and the speech was pointless, I've put on a lot of weight since and can't seem to get rid of it this is making me so low and my confidence has been completely shattered I look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusting and worthless, I can't leave the house if I don't feel comfortable in myself, I hardly see my best friend anymore as she works all the time so I feel like I have no one to talk to, I have a boyfriend but at the moment things aren't going well we always seem to argue about stupid things I just always want to be alone some nights I cry myself to sleep because I miss my mum too much and just want her back. Just feels like things are getting worse and I just want to be happy and confident again...
Ask Sam

Sam

Hi there

Thank you for being brave enough to write and share your feelings with me. You have put so much effort into this letter and you speak from your heart.

It sounds like you and mum were especially close and mum being ill was so very sad for you. It is also clear that you looked after mum in the best way possible. Being a carer can be tough and feel like a big responsibility and it can sometimes feel like a big responsibility. I am sure mum knew how well you cared for her.

Funerals are emotional occasions and can make everything feel very real and painful. I can see how you would have felt overwhelmed by it all. Although you did not finish your speech, being able to say any part of it at all was an extremely brave thing to do and something you can be truly proud of. Speaking about someone you love and have lost can be more difficult than making a speech about something where there is no emotion involved. I see that it was really upsetting for you when others were not kind about your speech. This is a time when you deserve to be supported, not criticised.

Giving a flower and your note to mum to tell her how much you love her, sounds like a very special thing to do. Many people like to do something like this when they lose someone close to them, for some it helps to do something special for the one they love.

I know being with family feels difficult right now and many families need time to adjust following a bereavement, it can be a confusing and stressful time for everyone. It sounds like you are not feeling as confident as you would like and that over-eating has been something you do to try to find some comfort. It is important to remember that you are grieving and that process can take different amounts of time for different people. Being happy again is important and having support is one way to help you find a way forward.

Many young people find it helps to speak to a ChildLine counsellor when someone dies, so that they can share their pain without fear of upsetting someone. It might also give you an opportunity to talk about your special memories of mum, as well as what you find most difficult to cope with. If you would like to do this, you can ring ChildLine on 0800 1111 and calls are free. Another way would be to have a 1-2-1  chat online with a counsellor. Having a look at the ChildLine message boards might also be helpful as they offer thoughts, feelings and ideas of other young people in similar situations. You might also find looking at the when someone dies page on the ChildLine website useful.

You might also like to have a look at Winston's Wish which is a bereavement website providing lots of information and support and has a section especially for young people.

Thank you for everything you have shared and I hope you will make contact when the time feels right for you.

Take care

Sam

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