Ask Sam letter


To Sam

my boyfriend is transsexual

I have recently found out that my boyfriend is transsexual - as in, he's actually female.

I reacted very positively and it didn't change the way I feel about him at all. He was very relieved that I accepted it and was supportive of his emotions and feelings and I am hoping that over time he realisees fully that I want to back him in any decisions he makes.

From looking at him, you wouldn't know he is female; he looks masculine and has boyish traits and habits. How can I show that I'm going to be there for him throughout everything?

Thank you

Ask Sam


Hi there,

It must have taken a lot of courage for your boyfriend to tell you something so personal. It might have been something he was building up to telling you for a long time.

You sound like a very supportive and mature partner, and I can imagine your reaction was a relief for your boyfriend. Usually when someone thinks about opening up to another person, they look for someone they trust, respect, and think will be supportive. It really sounds like you have those characteristics.

It can often be enough to keep doing what you are already doing. Be there to listen, don¬ít treat him differently, and take an interest if he talks about the transition. It sounds like you're doing these things already. You could also see if he'd like you to attend doctor appointments with him, or offer to be there if he decides to tell other people.

Perhaps you could ask him if he needs your help with anything, such as finding a local support group. For example, Gendered Intelligence is an organisation that runs events to try and increase the quality of life for transgender people. They also organise youth events for people aged 13-25.

It might be tempting to want to do even more to show your boyfriend that you are there for him. However you could run the risk of leaving him feeling overwhelmed.

I can hear you have taken things well but it might be worth considering whether you need a safe place to talk through what his news means to you, whether it affects any plans you had. It is okay to think about you. You can read more about transgender identity here if you want to know more.

Childline is a safe place to talk. You can ask any questions and talk through your feelings in detail.

Take care and thanks for getting in touch,

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.

Write me a letter