Ask Sam letter

Hi there,

It can be hard to decide when to come out, who to talk to about your sexuality, and how to tell people. There’s no right or wrong time, it should always be your choice about who you want to know and when is the right time for you. No one should make you feel like you have to tell other people if you don’t feel ready. And they shouldn't make you feel like it’s something you should have to hide.

Some people feel like they want everyone to know at once, but more often people choose people they feel most comfortable with first and then gradually tell others. At first it can seem scary telling people, but often it can become easier over time with the more that you do it.

If you do feel like you want to tell others, it’s a good idea to start by thinking about who you want to know. This could be family, friends or both. You might want to sit down with a few people as a group or talk to people individually.

Try and plan out what you want to say. If you’re feeling nervous you might want to keep simple, like ‘I wanted to let you know I’m gay’, so you don’t get stuck for words. Consider how different people are likely to react and any questions they may have for you, so that you feel more prepared.

You can work out how people might react by dropping the topic of sexuality into conversations. Sometimes people do this by mentioning famous people who are lesbian, gay or bisexual and seeing how others react to it.

As with any conversation that might be difficult to start, it’s always a good idea to think about finding the best time. Perhaps think through when you’d be able to sit down together and talk about it, rather than one of you being in a rush to get somewhere. 

You could always talk this through with one of our counsellors and even practise what you might like to say. You may also like to look at our message boards on sexuality as well as Stonewall for some more ideas and information.

Take care,
Sam