Ask Sam letter


To Sam

How to come out as transgender to my family, friends and boyfriend?

I'm 14, ftm transgender. I have no idea how to come out to my family, friends and boyfriend. I am worried about their reactions as they might reject me or refuse to see me as my true gender.
On top of being transgender I'm also gay; I like guys and I am one inside. I think this will be hard for my family and friends to understand as they might see me transitioning as completely futile as I like guys anyway. I'm also worried about telling my boyfriend as he would break up with me, which is completely understandable, but I still worry.
Ask Sam



Your letter makes it clear that you have a great deal of maturity for a 14 year old. I imagine this comes from thinking through your feelings about your gender identity and sexuality. I’m guessing that this has been difficult for you at times. I can hear that you are certain of your identity as a gay guy. It sounds like you feel the next stage is thinking about how to deal with the way your family, friends and boyfriend might react.

I imagine it might feel quite isolating keeping such a big part of who you are to yourself. I can hear that you’re worried people might react badly to hearing about your real identity, or that they won’t understand. It’s possible that some people in your life will be shocked or unsure what to say. Other people will be more supportive and will be able to recognise that being able to be true to your identity is incredibly important.

Perhaps you could start by thinking about who you think is most likely to react in a helpful way to your coming out as transgender. You don’t need to try and tell everyone all at once. Speaking to people one at a time, and at your own pace, might feel a bit more manageable. Choosing a time when you are likely to have plenty of time to talk will help make things feel less pressured. It might also be easier to cope with people’s questions if you’ve already thought about the sorts of answers you feel ready to given.

If you haven’t already, have a look at the Transgender Identity page and the Transgender message board for some more advice and information. You will find more information about transgender issues, as well as practical help, support, and links to local support groups. LGBT Youth Scotland have a really helpful leaflet on their site about coming out as transgender, which you might want to read.

If you would like to talk through your thoughts and feelings about your gender and sexual identity before taking any further steps, you are very welcome to contact the counsellors at ChildLine. You can get in touch by phone on 0800 1111, or by logging in for a 1-2-1 chat or sending an email.

Take care,


Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.

Write me a letter