Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Coming out

Hi Sam,
im a bisexual girl and i am in a relationship with another girl. my mum knows about us but her parents dont have a clue about her sexuality or that we are together. none of her friends or my friends know about us. we have been together for 6 months and i think that it is important for her to tell her parents and come out about herself to her friends. i want her to feel strong about coming out, and i want to convince her to in the nicest way possible to do so . how can i support her and encourage her to do this?
Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for your message.

I can hear how important it is to you for your girlfriend to come out and that you want to support her in doing that. It sounds like your relationship is a really positive part of your life, so it’s understandable that you would like other people to know about it. However, coming out is a very personal decision so at the end of the day it’s got to be up to your girlfriend if and when she decides to do that.

It might be that your girlfriend isn’t ready to tell anyone about her sexuality yet or there might be a reason why she doesn’t want not to tell anyone. It’s really good that you want to be supportive of your girlfriend and I can hear that you really care about her. You tell me that your mum already knows about your sexuality. Perhaps you could talk to your girlfriend about what that experience was like for you. You could suggest she has a look at the Explore page about sexual orientation. Young Stonewall also has some good information about coming out.

Unfortunately not everyone will have a positive experience of coming out and it might be that your girlfriend suspects that her parents or friends won’t be supportive. It could be helpful to gently remind her that coming out doesn’t have to be done all at once. Maybe there is one particular friend or family member she would feel happy to come out to first. If she has a positive experience with them, it might build her confidence about coming out to other people.

From your letter it seems like you might be finding it hard having to keep your relationship a secret. It’s important for you both to feel happy and comfortable in your relationship. You both have a right to talk to each other about what you’d like to happen. What’s not OK is to try and pressure the other person into something they don’t really want. If your girlfriend just isn’t ready to come out to anyone yet and you don’t think you can cope with the secrecy any longer, then it might be a good thing to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. You might decide this isn’t the right time for the two of you to be together or that you are happy to carry on as you are and let her come out when she is ready. I know that might be a hard thing to hear. Remember that you are very welcome to talk to one of our counsellors about this if you’d like some extra support - we are here for both of you.

Take care


Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

Ask me a question

You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small.

Write me a letter