Ask Sam letter


To Sam

Always feel compared

I need help. I am constantly feeling compared to my friends because they are so confident and always loud while I'm always in the background and ignored. I never speak up and sometimes my friends say they would like me better if I was confident. I wish people would reliase I am not confident, and never will be.
Help please.
Ask Sam


Hello there,

Thank you for getting in touch and being so honest about how you’re feeling.

It must be very hard to feel you’re being compared to your friends and somehow falling short of what they’d like you to be. They’re loud and you’re quiet. They seem to be in the forefront and you seem to be in the background.

You’ve said you wish people would realise you’re not confident and never will be. I understand what you mean but I’d also like to understand if you’re also wishing your friends would accept you and like you just the way you are.

It might be useful to keep in the back of your mind that there are many quiet people who are confident, and there are many loud people who are not confident. Confidence starts with what’s inside a person, believing that with all your good and bad points, you’re basically ok. That kind of feeling isn’t just about how loud a person is or how much they talk.

When you’re different to your friends, it can be quite hard to get them to accept and understand who you are. However, I like to think in good friendships and relationships, there is acceptance of each other and room for differences.

If you haven’t already seen it, there is information in Explore about Friendships that you might find helpful. You might also like to look at the Friends message board to see how other young people are dealing with their friendships.

I’m wondering if you'd like to talk to more about this. Calling ChildLine on 0800 1111 or logging on for a 1-2-1 chat with one of our counsellors would be a good way to have a conversation with us about you and your friends.

Take care,


Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

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