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To Sam

Always sad

When I was 9 my mum died of cancer. It was my big sisters birthday I feel like I'm in a big black hole and there's no way out. And a anchor in my stomach is holding me down making me feel angry sad and depressed. I used to tell people how I feel but know one can help me
Ask Sam


Hi there,

I’m so glad that you decided to write and tell us about how you’ve been feeling. You’ve experienced a really big loss, which can be very distressing. Nobody knows how they will react when they lose someone so close to them - anger, sadness and depressed feelings are all very natural. There is no wrong or right way to be feeling.

It sounds like it might be a particularly hard time for you around your big sister's birthday, since it brings up all kinds of feelings. This is normal when we have lost someone special in our lives. Our page on coping when someone dies offers some advice and information about the feelings you are experiencing.

There are lots of ways you could remember your mum. Making a memory box or a memory book, with photographs and reminders of special times you had together, can be a good way of reminding you of your mum. It can really help to find a way to keep your happy and special memories alive.

It sounds like you feel really trapped and stuck with your feelings right now. It seems like it might have felt unhelpful in the past when you tried to talk to people about how you felt. Maybe you could have another think about whether there is an adult that you trust that you’d like to be supporting you. Even if telling someone about how you feel doesn’t change things completely, it might be a bit of a relief. It can be really hard keeping all of this to yourself and bottling your emotions up.

You're always welcome to talk to a ChildLine counsellor. This is a safe place to talk, and there are counsellors here night and day. You’re very welcome to talk anytime about your mum and your memories of the things you did together, as well as let out all of your feelings, no matter what they are.

Take care,

Need help straight away?

You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.

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