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Hi there,
Thank you for your letter.
A year is a long time to have had all of these bad feelings about going to school.
All of your worries about school can be very scary and cause you to panic which makes sleeping very difficult. I imagine this could be exhausting for you and its understandable that you feel so emotional and want to cry.
Your school should feel like a safe environment and somewhere that you want to spend time and learn. It sounds like its hard for your science teacher to understand how his behaviour affects you and that this is one of the reasons that you dont want to be at school.
It might be helpful to think of someone at your school that you trust and could talk to about how youve been feeling in class. This might be the school nurse, or a different teacher who you might get on with a bit better.
The way that you feel about school is affecting everything you do and youve described feeling as though youre drifting away from your friends. I imagine that school could feel like a lonely place now that you feel like everyone there ignores you.
The Sunday before Christmas sounds like it was a very difficult day for you. You reached the point where you couldnt keep all of these thoughts and feelings inside any longer. At ChildLine we hear from lots of young people who cut or self-harm in different ways. Maybe you could think about how you'd feel if you could tell someone about this? You could also speak to ChildLine a bit more about how you felt when you cut.
Sometimes it can help to write a diary to keep a record of how youre feeling. This can be helpful if youre thinking about telling someone else when youre ready. If you do decide to talk to someone at home or at school, having those feelings written down might be a good way of giving you confidence.
You described feeling as though you need time to cool off after school and maybe this would be a good time to think about talking to a ChildLine counsellor. At ChildLine, the counsellors are here to listen to you and to support you so you don't have to cope with things on your own. You can talk to a counsellor by phone, 1-2-1 chat or email.
We also have message boards where you can chat to other young people going through some of what you have been telling me about.
Its taken a lot of courage to write to me and I hope that you talk to ChildLine again when youre ready.
Take care
Sam
You can talk privately to a counsellor online or call 0800 1111 for free.
You can ask me about anything you want, there's nothing too big or small. I read every single letter but I can only answer a few each week. My replies are published here on my page.