Ask Sam letter


To Sam

I really want my own family

Hello sam,

I'm 16 years old, 17 in a few months time, and i am currently waiting for my GCSE results, and am hopefully doing A-Leavels this september. I am writing to you as I have such an aching to be a mother, to go through all the stages from pregnancey to child birth to their first day at school. I always knew I was more mature and ahead of everyone else in my year but not to this extent. I'm ready to go in to the 'Big Wide World' as my teacher always said but I can't. ( A because i have no partner and B I'm not old enough to get a well paid job and I have to stay in education til I'm 18 - even though I don't want to go to college)

I know that having a baby, would cost me my 'teenage-hood' but to be quite honest I have been and adult in everyway but by age and height, so that wouldn't bother me. and I know I would have to be finantually stable but I would find ways t earn as much as possiable to provide for my baby. I feel I am 100% ready - both mentaly and physically - no matter what anyone else says - I know I am - I can feel I am

I know that having a baby is a massive responsiablility and I know all the ups and downs as I have helped bring up my two younger sisters and I am expected to get an A in my GCSE Child Care, and in that subject we had to look after the electronic dolls and I scored the highest in my year with them and after that I wanted one more than ever.

And now I just so, so, badly want my own home, my own stedy job, my own babies and it is starting to make me feel quite down as I know I can't have one as I don't even have a partner and I'm not going to be stupid and ust go ut and have a one night stand! I don't know what to do to stop me feeling like this

Ask Sam


Hi there,

Thanks for your letter and for being so honest about how you're feeling at the moment.

When I was reading your letter I could really hear how important it is to you to have a family of your own. It sounds to me like you would really like to fast forward time and have all the things you want in the future now. It sounds like you have really thought about how having a family would make you feel complete. You've also considered some of the difficulties parents face.

It can be really hard to imagine waiting for something that is really important, but it sounds like you have really thought through what makes a good parent and are aware of the things that need to happen for you to have a family in the way that feels right for you. The positive thing is that when the time comes you know you have thought this through and desperately want to do your best for your child. Deciding to bring another life into the world is a very big decision. No matter how ready we feel emotionally, it's important to think about the practicalities of having a baby.

The first consideration is how you would provide for the baby financially. The baby will need food, clothes, somewhere to sleep, and nappies for their first few years. It is important to plan how you could pay for these things if you were to have a baby. Although you may be able to get some benefits, they would be unlikely to cover the full cost of bringing the baby up and childcare if you chose to go back to education or work.

If you currently don’t have your own home, it is also important to consider the impact that having a baby will have on your family and how they would feel about having a baby in the house. Would they ask you and the baby to leave? If this happened, how would this leave your relationship with them? I can see you have thought about what it might be like to have a baby and watch them grow into a small child, but it is also important to remember that the child will quickly grow into a teenager and then an adult, which can bring a new set of challenges.

Although it can seem like you have considered all of the practical issues it is important to consider the little things too, like not having as much money to spend on yourself, not being able to enjoy nights out with your friends and being very busy and tired. It can also be important to have lots of support when you have a baby, and you might find that all of your friends are at different stages to you which can sometimes feel really isolating. You may find that if all of your time and money is taken up by a child, you may not be able to pursue the career you had hoped for, which might mean fewer opportunities for you as an individual.

Whilst all of these things can be hard, being a parent can also be very rewarding. However it is important to have the right support in place, emotionally and financially.  It might help you to talk to someone you know who has had a baby so they can tell you, first had, about all the changes it can mean.

You mention you don’t have a partner at the moment. Whist it can seem that it would be a long time to wait until you have a home, a partner and a steady income, it can really help to say to yourself that you will still make a really great parent in a few years time. You can try to enjoy things until the time does feel completely right.

It can be hard to ignore these feelings, and it is natural for many people to want to have children, but it might really help to find activities you enjoy doing which can both help to take your mind off your feelings and give you new experiences.

I’m wondering if there is anything else in your life you would like to achieve? Could you make a list of things you would really like to achieve in your life and focus on doing some of these things before you have a baby?

It might also help to take a look the ChildLine message boards on pregnancy and young parents to see what other young people who might feel the same way are saying.

You may also want to talk these feelings through with a ChildLine counsellor to talk through your feelings. You can call on 0800 1111, log on for a 1-2-1 chat or send an email. There will always be someone to talk through your feelings and look at ways to cope with your feelings while you wait for the time to be right.

Take care

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